From the Depth of my Soul
by doogy
Summary: 15 year old Stan Marsh feels life in his little town has become increasingly boring; until he uncovers his hidden feelings for his best friend and a series of events unravel. StanKyle. FINISHED.
1. Stan's bad day

Just as I promised, here's my new creation unveiled. You could say I've been observing for the past few months. Well, this is a slight Stan/ Kyle pairing. I thought since this is my first South park fic, I'd start with the easiest pairing, just 'cause I'm safe like that. So, here we go! This whole story will be told through Stan's POV.

Disclaimer- I do not own any of the South Park characters you recognize in this fic. The ones you don't recognize are most obviously made up by my little devious mind.

Stanley's bad day 

-Stan's POV-

For as long as I could remember, I had always thought of South Park as my home. Born and raised here, it was always my comfort zone.

_My quiet little mountain town._

Lately, it had lost all its magic. When did I realize how dirty and unfriendly people were, I don't know but I blame it all on South Park. The world is cold and hate filled and people are malicious and devious.

When someone asks how you are, they don't care. They really don't. It's just a routine. A stupid, useless track that we are all racing on. The obstacles we face in everyday life are the hurdles on this track. The minute you trip over one, people will take advantage of this.

Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and I. The best of friends. We always had been. We all had our roles in the group. I had always thought of myself as the voice of reason. The sanity to all our insanity. I mean, yeah, I had my moments. We all do. But for the most part, I always gave that speech at the end of a lesson well learned.

Now, walking to the bus stop, I reflected upon all this, the cold, bitter weather of this redneck town souring my mood. I never understood why there always seemed to be a sheet of frost lingering in the air. I never really cared either.

As I got closer to the bus stop, I could see the winter wear of my childhood friends. Kyle's green lumberjack hat, Cartman's toque, and the unmistakable orange hood of Kenny McCormick. Kyle gave me a friendly smile and waved as I came into their views. Kenny uttered a muffled hello that nobody but us three would understand, and Cartman grunted.

"Hey, dude." Kyle grinned. He was always in a good mood. I wondered how nothing ever seemed to bring down his spirit. I wish he'd loan me his secret.

A rather annoying voice butted into my thoughts.

"My, Stanley, you're looking quite cranky this morning. Are you on your period?"

Cartman hadn't changed a bit since we were nine. Now at fifteen, he was ruder and cruder than ever. Not to mention, adding fuel to my already blazing mood.

"Shut up, Fatass! Atleast his mom isn't a crackwhore." Kyle piped up. I could always count on Kyle to stick up for me. But, Kyle often seemed oblivious to his surroundings. _He_ didn't see how cruel the world was.

Kenny's muffled laughter could be heard from under his parka.

"Aye! Shut up, you Jewish piece of shit!" was Cartman's obvious reply. I could make a script from this morning routine. It was the same everyday.

"Jesus Christ, Cartman. Fuck off."

It was the first thing I had said this morning and from the look on everyone's face, it had been a shock. It did shut Cartman up though. I wasn't usually this cranky.

_What was wrong with me?_

The bus came and we all got on, myself, first in line. I sat down in the back seat looking out the window. I could feel Wendy's eyes on me from the front of the bus. Three days ago, I had dumped her with no explanation, no sympathy, nothing. I didn't need to look at her to see the hurt and confusion etched in her face. I felt someone sit beside me and immediately knew it was Kyle.

"Stan, are you okay?" His voice barely above a whisper. For some odd reason, it sent chills running up and down by spine.

I turned to look at him and it was the first time I noticed that his face seemed paler. Pale and tired. Also, he had bags under his eyes that made it seem as if he hadn't slept for weeks.

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired. The work overload from History class has been crazy." It wasn't a complete lie. I hadn't slept well in days but it wasn't from the work overload. In fact, by now I had officially blamed it on insomnia.

"Is it about Wendy?"

I just about laughed in his face. Wendy hadn't even occurred to me. I hadn't thought about her in days. I almost felt bad. Shouldn't boyfriends feel a bit guilty when they breakup with the girl they said the three special words to?

Again, I lied, "yeah, it's been hard. It's for the best though."

Kyle had never questioned me on why I broke up with Wendy. If he had, I couldn't have answered.

_Why did I break up with her?_

He gave me a reassuring slap on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, dude. You'll find another girl that'll make you much happier."

_If only you were a girl, Kyle._

What? What? What?! Why did I just think that? I'm just emotional. Just really fucked up right now.

I tried to hide a blush that had started creeping up my face and nodded instead of answering.

The bus stopped in front of the school and we all piled out. By then, I had actually cheered up a bit. Until Madison came running up.

Madison was head bitch of the school and my most reoccurring annoyance. Not to mention, I had to suffer through her more since she was Kyle's girlfriend. I tried to put up with her bullshit for Kyle. Afterall, he did put up with Wendy for me …

"Hey Baby!" she squealed.

_Kill me now._

She threw her arms around Kyle's neck and pressed her lips to his ever so gently. He smiled and returned the kiss.

She was so _fake_. How could he not see right through her? I had been baffled ever since Kyle excitedly informed me that they were going out. Why Kyle? Sure, he's my best friend, but he isn't the catch of the day for the head cheerleading bitch. It took me months to realize and figure it out.

_Madison's in our Algebra class._

Who better to cozy up to than the class genius? Kyle was smart. We always knew that, but we didn't realize just how smart till we all hit high school. He was placed in all the advanced courses aside from a few exceptions. Kyle was loyal. He didn't want to seem better. He begged to be put in a few of the classes with us. Algebra happened to be one of them.

I turned away from them, disgusted. I trudged silently up to the front doors and to my locker.

The rest of the day up to lunch went by in a blur of homework and teachers. I was stoked to be in the familiar setting of the cafeteria. Even if it did have the stench of fish fingers filling it. One thing I missed most about South Park elementary was Chef. He always gave good advice and good food.

I got my food, skipping the fish fingers that still looked partially frozen, and spotted Kyle sitting with Cartman and Kenny.

_Just Cartman and Kenny?_

Now, that was unusual. He usually had Madison hanging off his arm. He looked like he was working on some homework. I had to smile. That was more like the Kyle I knew. It looked like Kenny and Cartman were arguing over something. Probably something petty, as usual. Like, who was a better video gamer.

Walking over, I knew I had to cross Eli Samual. This guy was the asshole of assholes. He for sure took the cake when it came to power.

Him and I had never been on good terms. It all started when he got transferred to South Park High. Trying out for the football team, it appeared that the coaches wanted him as Quarterback … my position.

So I did what any other male would do in this position. I argued, got into a fight with him, got sent home and kicked off the team.

God knows I tried. The minute I walked by, he stuck out his foot and sent me flying. Stunned for a moment or two, I quickly recovered, got up, and threw the first punch.

_The fight was on._

We ended up on the floor, kicking, punching, and shouting profanities at one another. The whole school was watching but I didn't care.

It was **my** fucking position.

It ended just as quickly as it had started. Him with a bloody nose, me with a black eye, off to the office we went.

When did light hurt so much? As the principal punished us and called our parents, I was quietly trying not to faint.

Mere minutes passed before my mom and dad came in.

"Stanley, what were you thinking? You know how we feel about fighting!"

Funny, they never once said anything when Shelley would beat on me for all those years. I just wanted them to keep it short and sweet and take me home. I needed to lie down. My head was killing me.

Eli was a jerkoff, but he packed a hard punch. I felt like I had a concussion. His parents had taken him home first.

"I'm sorry, okay? I just lost my temper." It seemed to satisfy them because they thanked the principal and drove me home.

Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare …

Well, that's all for now. I'm super tired and I'm going to sleep! Please review nicely.

-J


	2. Since when did I care?

Well, here's the second chapter! I'm trying my hardest to update just as soon as I can. I hate it when you start reading a story and you actually get into it and then the author never updates! It drives me crazy. Haha. Anyways, read on!

Since when did I care so much?

-Stan's POV-

Getting home and into bed was like heaven to me. Away from all those kids, egging on the fight … away from the principal's disapproving eyes. Just, away from it all.

My parents were pissed. It wasn't like me to have a random fist fight in school. I did get a long lecture before I was allowed to go to sleep.

_I was their good little Stanley._

Lately, I wasn't myself. I never cared so much about all this shit. I never questioned God's reasoning for all that happened. Why did I care so much about how people treated others?

I don't care … I don't! Stop thinking, Stan. Sleep … sleep and you'll feel a whole hell of a lot better when you wake up.

Lying down, I closed my eyes and drifted into comforting darkness. My head throbbed, although I had taken two extra strength aspirin tablets, earlier. As tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. I had worries running through my mind and I began to feel slightly queasy. I sat up with a frustrated sigh, flicking on the lamp as I did.

To be honest, buried in the back of my mind was a thought that I knew was there but I didn't want to let out. Or, maybe I did want to let it out, I was just afraid of what may happen from there.

_Kyle._

My best friend. The guy who had stuck by me through all these years. We had gotten in so much trouble throughout our childhood for stupid ideas, usually suggested by Cartman. I had shared an important part of my life with him. Try as I might, I couldn't get out of my head the way I had thought about him on the bus today. Why did I?

_I'm not a fag._

Maybe, it was just because I was feeling a little rejected by him lately because of Madison. A girl really did come between a friendship.

Only I noticed this though. He'd ditch me for her. We'd have plans and he'd cancel out and go do something with her instead. I'm losing my best friend to a stupid whorey bitch …

Without warning, tears started sliding down my face. I wiped them away furiously with the sleeve of my pajamas. What right did she have to take Kyle away from me? I had known him my whole life. She knew him for, what, a couple of months?

I was starting to cry harder and I muffled my sobs into my pillowcase.

_I'm seriously fucked up right now._

I let weariness take over me and soon I fell into the darkness I had been longing for.

I don't know how long I slept but I was awakened to my Mom knocking on the door.

"Stanley? Are you awake?"

I would've liked to ignore her so I could go back to sleeping but I knew she'd never leave me alone. She'd go as far as opening the door and checking my forehead to see if I had a fever. And I bet it wouldn't stop there either. I did have a fever. I knew it. My forehead was clammy and my hair was soaked with sweat around the edges.

So I answered instead, "yes, Mom. I'm awake."

She opened the door letting a sliver of light into my room. I was surprised to see she wasn't the only one there.

"Your little friend Kyle has come to see you."

I blushed and nodded at him, "hey, Dude."

He smiled and waved slightly.

"I'll leave you boys alone. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Thanks, Mrs. Marsh."

Kyle cautiously crossed my room and sat on the edge of my bed. I turned on the lamp so I could see him better and squinted as my eyes adjusted. He handed me a pile of Algebra homework.

"The teacher thought I should bring this over to you. I can explain it to you if you want. It's kind of hard. Fatass did it all in class and was bragging about how smart he was and when he showed it to the teacher, she said it was all wrong. Haha."

I cracked a smile. Cartman really was a dumbass

"Thanks, Dude. I don't know how much I'll do tonight. I'm really out of it. I think I've got a concussion but my Mom's convinced that it's just a "bump on the head"."

"You don't look all that good. That fight you had with Eli today was fucking sweet. Everyone was talking about it. I saw how that dipshit tripped you. He's such an asshole. You really put him in his place, Stan! It's all around the whole school!" Kyle grinned excitedly.

"Kyle, listen. I didn't mean to be the center of attention. I've just had enough of Eli's bullshit. I've wanted to do that for months but when he tripped me today for no reason … well, it just sent me over the edge. I mean, goddammit, he's such an asshole."

Kyle nodded understandingly.

"It's okay, Dude. You get fame and revenge. No problem."

This is what I meant about Kyle. He just didn't get it sometimes. Smart as he was, he really was stupid. He didn't understand. I didn't want to be famous. I just wanted people to pull their fucking heads out of their asses.

I smiled weakly. "I guess so."

It satisfied Kyle and he launched into the mission of explaining Algebra to me. I was only half listening. I was more focused on how close Kyle was to me. I appropriated it with a slight nod or grunt to show him that I understood when he asked a question.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_

At one point, his hand brushed along mine as he reached for his pencil. It gave me the chills.

Kyle still looked a bit pale. More tired than anything though. And those bags under his eyes …

"Hey, Kyle …"

"Hm?"

"Are you feeling okay?"

He looked up slightly puzzled.

"Yeah … shouldn't I be?"

_Great. Now I look stupid._

"You just look a little tired. That's all."

He looked away and any remaining color in his face drained.

"I-I'm fine. Just the homework. I haven't been having enough time to sleep because of it." He forced out.

I didn't believe him. I've known him long enough to know when he wasn't telling the complete truth. But I didn't push it.

"If you say so. Hey, do you want something to eat? I'm starving. I didn't get a chance to eat lunch today, obviously."

Kyle shook his head, still looking down. "I'm not really hungry."

He looked up suddenly and obviously forced a smile. "You go ahead though. I'll just finish up this homework. Do you want to play video games after? I have to be home by eight. My parents are letting me stay longer because I told them I had to explain this all to you. But I think we'll have a bit of time to hang out … if you want, of course."

I grinned and nodded. "Sure. I'll be right back."

I pushed myself off the bed and stepped over the mess of my room. I turned around and snuck a peak at Kyle.

His back was turned to me and he was busily scribbling down answers and murmuring to himself. A little habit of his he had acquired over the years.

I still didn't believe him. Kyle not hungry? _He_ was usually the one to suggest eating. I shook it out of my head and headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

Well, that's the second chapter! I hope you all liked it. Stay tuned. There's more to come.


	3. Facing the Music

Here's the third chapter! Thanks to all those who have reviewed so far. I honestly didn't expect to get such nice reviews on my first South Park story. I really appreciate it though, so thank you! :-D

Facing the Music

-Stan's POV-

Mom had decided that I was well enough to go to school the next day. My fever had passed in the night. Although, I now had a hefty bruise along my left cheekbone and a black eye.

Kyle headed home shortly after I had eaten. Neither of us were in the mood to play video games after that awkward moment that occurred partway through our homework session.

-Flashback-

"Thanks, Kyle. Really. It was nice of you to stop by … even if it was to drop off Algebra homework."

He grinned. "No problem, Dude. You're my best friend. I wouldn't bail on you when something like that happened."

_I wish I could believe that you'd never bail._

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Yeah. Cya tomorrow, Stan!"

He raced down the steps and down the street to his own house. His Mom would be pissed if he was late.

_Cartman's right. Kyle's Mom is a bitch._

I hurried inside from the cold.

-End of Flashback-

Sighing, I realized there was nothing to hide by battle scars. I smoothed down by bed-head hair and shoved my toque on.

"Stanley! Hurry up! You're going to be late and your Father and I don't have time to drive you if you miss the bus."

I couldn't put it off any longer. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Mom handed me some toast to eat on the way and my book bag.

"Thanks, Mom."

She touched my bruised cheek gingerly and then smiled fondly at me. "My little Stanley. Be good."

_Why is she talking to me like she did when I was eight?_

"Uh, sure. Bye!"

I checked my watch and realized I was going to be late. Racing down the icy roads was quite difficult. The wind whipped my already stinging cheek.

I was so relieved to see that the bus hadn't come yet. I saw Kenny first. He looked to be scribbling down last minute answers on his homework assignment. Cartman and Kyle appeared to be arguing.

"Shut up, Jew! I'm big-boned!"

I listened, amused. Maybe this will be a normal day, afterall

As I came into view, they stopped bickering. Kenny even looked up from his homework.

"Uh, hey, guys."

Kyle gave me a grin. "Hey, Dude!"

"Hey, Stan." Was Kenny's greeting. He looked me over before going back to his homework. Kenny wasn't very law-abiding but he knew when to not press someone for details. He was just understanding that way.

Cartman, however, was a completely different story.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't our little fighter. I didn't know you had it in you, Stan."

"Aw, shut up, Cartman. I don't want to talk about it."

Cartman faked offence. "No, seriously, Dude. I didn't know a little pussy like you had it in him."

I was ready to say something, but Kenny saved me the trouble.

"Cartman, lay off him. Try and go one day without being such a fucking dick."

The bus finally comes, burying this awkward moment.

We all line up, Cartman first, Kyle second and Kenny and I following closely behind. Before he gets on, I put a gloved hand on his shoulder. He turns around surprised.

"Thanks, Kenny. I mean it."

He shrugs and looks a bit embarrassed.

"It was nothing. I just know how it feels. That's all."

_What's that supposed to mean?_

I didn't recall anytime Kenny had gotten into a fight with the school's most popular jock. Pushing it out of my mind, we got onto the bus.

I see Kyle sitting in the back, looking like I believed I did yesterday. If it wasn't my imagination, he looked sick. Since when had he gotten so thin? The bags under his eyes etched worry into my face. I invited myself to sit beside him.

He hadn't noticed that I sat down and if he did, he hid it well. He looked like he was in a daze. Staring out the window at the passing sites.

Taking a deep breath I placed a hand on his arm. I actually managed without freaking out. Why did I feel this way around him?

He turned and looked at me, green eyes wide with surprise.

"Kyle? What's the matter with you?"

He pulled away from my hand and concern. "Nothing. Why does everybody keep asking me what's wrong? Nothing's wrong! I expected it from my Mom but not from you, Stan. Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!"

His expression softens; probably from the shocked look that I'm sure was on my face.

"I'm sorry, Stan. I'm just tired. That's really all."

"Dammit, Kyle! I know that's not it. You never were a good liar. Why won't you trust me enough to tell me? I thought we were best friends. Maybe I can help and-"

"You can help by minding your own business and staying out of mine!"

He cut me off. Kyle _never_ interrupted people. It just wasn't like him.

I turned away, hurt. What happened to my best friend?

I felt a sense of warmth on myshoulder and realized it was Kyle's hand.

"Stan, I'm sorry. You just wouldn't understand."

We arrived at school and I got up and away from him. The friend who thought I wouldn't understand.

_Thanks, Kyle. You're a true friend._

The day went as it did everyday. Madison ran up to Kyle, squealing and irritating as usual. As I walked through the hallways, however, I was met with eyes full of respect. Most of it was from the nerds. The kids who were constantly picked on by Eli and his asswipe friends. Some looked a bit scared. I ignored them all. I had too much on my mind already.

Kyle tried all day to get back into my good graces. Did he even realize how much his words hurt me? I pushed him away and tried to focus on what the teacher was droning on about.

At lunch, I noticed Eli wasn't in school. As unusual as it seemed, I didn't care. Not now. The food in the cafeteria actually looked somewhat appealing to my growling stomach but I knew if I tried to get anything down, it would immediately be thrown back up. I had been nauseated with food ever since I tried to eat a sandwich last night. Instead, I bought some apple juice in a can from the vending machine by the doors.

Walking to our usual table, I was stopped by someone grabbing my arm. I turned around.

"Wendy?!"

"Hi, Stan." She said quietly.

Now, this was uncomfortable. "Um, Hi."

She pulled me close to her and whispered in my ear, "can I talk to you?"

"Now isn't a really good time. I-"

"It's important."

The second time I had been cut off today.

I followed her to a secluded table by the windows and we sat down. She put her head in her arms, her black hair making a curtain over her sleeves. She sounded like she was taking deep breaths and trying not to cry.

"Stan, I miss you. Please, please. Give me another chance. I don't know what I did wrong but I'll try harder. I promise!"

I cleared my throat and took her hand in mine.

"Wendy, it's not you, it's me. I know it sounds cliché. But it really isn't you. It is me. I'm really fucked up right now. I just can't be tied down right now. I'm really sorry."

I watched as the girl I once loved broke down. Blue eyes shimmering with tears. I still loved her. But not as I used to. She got up and ran from the cafeteria, a few of her friends following to comfort her.

"I'm sorry, Wendy."

I got up and walked outside into the cold, suddenly not hungry nor caring that I didn't have my coat or gloves on. It just didn't seem to matter right now.


	4. Isn't something Missing?

Hello all! Happy New Year's Eve! It's so early right now, but I thought since I'm up, I may as well write the fourth chapter seeing as I won't have time to do it later on. I am feeling kind of embarrassed right now too. Last night, I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and it was about, oh, 1am. The phone suddenly cuts out and I wait for awhile and she doesn't call back. So I figure, what the hell, I'll call her back. I didn't think anybody was awake at her house. So I did and her Mom answered and she sounded kind of pissed. And I was like, uh, sorry for calling so late. And she was like; yeah it is kind of late. I'll tell her you called. GOODBYE. Haha, so anyways, that was my evening. So, enjoy this chapter. Also, don't drink and drive.

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Isn't Something Missing?

-Stan's POV-

The cool wind gave me comfort across my burning head. I think my fever was coming back. Why were Moms always in denial when their kids were hurt?

I had really broken Wendy's heart. I knew that. I felt bad about it but I just didn't feel the same way I did before. I can't live a lie. I'm be killing myself if I did.

-Flashback-

I walked up to the familiar house and rang the doorbell.

"Hi, Stan!"

"Hey, Wendy."

"What do you want to do today?" Wendy asked, planting a kiss on my cheek. It had taken years for me to stop vomiting every time she did so much as look at me. I was glad, too; I couldn't stand the embarrassment I faced each time. I'm pretty sure she was glad, too.

God, Wendy was pretty. No, not pretty. **Gorgeous**. She always had been. With all her long, black hair and dazzling blue eyes. Almost any guy would _kill_ to be me. And all because I had Wendy hanging off my arm.

I had liked her ever since I was eight. Plenty of things had happened over the years to get in the way of us, but it always worked out in the end.

_Get a hold of yourself, Stan. You can do this._

"Um, I was wondering if we could go and talk somewhere. There's something I have to tell you."

She looked a bit confused, but smiled. "Sure, Stan."

I led her over to the couch in the family room. Holding her hands in mine, I took a few deep breaths and decided it would be better just to spit it out.

That's when I puked.

Of all the embarrassing, _mortifying_, moments, this one took the cake.

Actually, Wendy was pretty cool about it. When we were younger, she used to let out a little squeal of disgust, but now, she got up and got me some napkins and a glass of water.

_Why am I doing this?_

Wendy was everything I ever wanted in a relationship. She was smart, beautiful, sweet, and political … well, maybe I didn't care about politics, but still.

"Wendy, I think we should break up."

Wendy's eyes went wide and she looked at me in horror.

"But, why? Was it something I did?"

_Was it something she did?_

"No, Wendy. You didn't do anything wrong. I just need to be on my own for awhile. There are so many things I'm not sure about."

Without another word, Wendy ran from the family room and down the hall. I heard a door slam and then complete silence followed by wild sobbing.

In this situation, most guys would follow the girl out, apologizing and promising to maintain a friendship.

Me, I didn't want to be friends with Wendy. I didn't want Wendy.

I wanted Kyle.

-End of Flashback-

I got up from where I had been sitting on the ground and swiped at the snow on the butt of my pants. I headed home thinking there wasn't much of a point in staying here. My last two classes after lunch weren't all that important to me right now, and I'd just tell Mom I was feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach.

Walking home, I realized that the sun was peaking through the grey clouds.

_Maybe some of the snow will actually melt._

Going home was not a good idea. Mom fussed over me, practically pushing me into bed and forcing me to eat soup. I hate soup. I also hated seeing my Mom's worried expression. I was kind of lying about feeling sick. I mean, I felt sick but I probably could've toughed it out.

I slept for most of the afternoon and my dreams were filled with vivid and scary images.

_A childhood nightmare._

I was falling farther and farther. Darkness drifted me in and out of consciousness. Kyle was gone. I lost him in my dream. _Come back …_

I awoke with a start and realized it was about six 'o' clock in the evening. My pillow was soaked with sweat and my face wore leftover tears. I was crying in my sleep?

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and leaned back against the headboard of my bed. What a strange dream that had been. It seemed so real.

"Stanley!"

Mom's voice shook me out of my thoughts and startled me.

"Uh, coming, Mom."

_What now?_

Taking small steps, I crossed my room and opened the door. I could feel Mom almost watching me at the bottom of the stairs. God, I hope I'm not in trouble.

I came to the top stair and sat down. Mom and … Kyle? Why was he here? Again? Not that I was complaining. It just seemed a bit strange for him to be visiting so often, especially after the fight we had today.

"Stan, I'm sorry to wake you, but Kyle said it was important that he talked to you."

I continued to look at Kyle, dumbfounded. Kyle was stubborn. He had too much pride to beg for forgiveness this way.

"It-It's okay, Mom. I was awake anyways." It satisfied her and she walked into the kitchen, leaving us to talk.

God, this was awkward. Kyle rubbed the back of his head and coughed. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Well, come up to my room and you can tell me whatever was so important." I turned around and walked up to my room and I could hear him following. I sat down in my desk, spinning slowly in the chair. He took a seat on the edge of my unmade bed.

He toyed with the zipper on his jacket for a moment or two and then spoke up.

"Look, Stan. I feel bad … no, not bad …_horrible_ about what happened today. I had no right to be so rude to you. I appreciate your concern but nothing's wrong. You're my best friend and I'm sorry I brushed you off like that. Please, _please_, don't be mad at me."

I remembered my dream. I lost him. But why? Where did he go? Whatever, enough of this bullshit. If Kyle wouldn't tell me, I'd just have to trust him enough to do whatever was right.

"It's alright, Kyle. I-I'm not mad. Just, I want you to know that I'm always here if you need to talk."

He smiled, looking relieved. "I know. You always have been."

So, I had my best friend back. I hadn't lost him. I stood up from the chair and took a seat beside him on the bed.

"Just tell me you're okay."

Kyle looked surprised. "Of course I'm okay. What made you think I wasn't?"

I knew this would get us into another argument so I shook my head as in saying never mind.

He gave me a cute lopsided grin and spoke up again. "Stan, where did you go today?"

Uh oh. Goddamn, I had been absent for two afternoons now. Had I even called the office to let them know? I couldn't remember.

"I just felt sick. That's all. I went home so I could lie down."

He looked worried. "Maybe you should go to the doctor. I think you do have a concussion."

I thought so, too. It didn't matter. Whatever it was had cleared up a bit as I slept.

"I feel a lot better now. I'll be in school tomorrow … all day." I laughed to convince him.

He looked so thin. He almost looked sickly with his pale face and the large bags under his eyes.

We talked and laughed, making fun of Cartman for awhile before he had to head home.

_Kyle, please don't be sick._

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Well, there's the fourth Chapter. The fifth one will be up soon. Just to let you know, you will find out what's wrong with Kyle in the next chapter! Stay tuned.


	5. Kyle's Secret

Hi All! I'm writing this just as it closes in on the last hour of 2004. I am SO stoked about all the nice reviews I got. Thank you so much! I love you all!

I'm sorry for keeping you all in suspense for so long, but this is it. You will FINALLY find out what's wrong with Kyle. It required a bit of research on my half to make sure I flattened out any flaws in my path. I want this to be realistic, afterall. We aren't close to the end yet, so no worries. This chapter will be a bit longer than the other ones. Read on and Happy New Year!

Kyle's Secret

-Stan's POV-

I woke up the next morning feeling happy. Kind of … _free._ The sun was actually shining through my window.

I lay in bed, knowing I had a few minutes before Mom would be yelling at me to get up. It's days like these that say, what could possibly go wrong today? Besides, I had so much shit happen in the past two days, I felt God owed me now. Give me something good. Please.

I rolled out of bed finally and booked it for the bathroom before Shelley got in there and started getting ready. She took _hours_. Goddamn, how could anybody find that much to do in a bathroom?

I finished up in there and practically pranced down the stairs.

_Why am I in such a good mood?_

"Morning, Mom!"

Mom turned around, eyes wide with surprise. She usually had to drag me out of bed.

"Well, good morning, Stanley! Nice to see you up so early … and ready!"

Nodding, I grinned at her and opened the fridge.

"Stanley, don't drink straight from the carton! I'll get you a glass. Oh, Kyle's Mother phoned this morning."

I froze. What good ever came from a phone call from Mrs. Broflovski?

I tried to sound casual. "Oh? What did she want?"

"She wanted to know if you knew anything about where Kyle was getting his 'junk food stash' from."

_What the fuck?_

"'Junk food stash'?"

If I seemed nervous, Mom didn't notice. She went on making Dad's breakfast. "Yes, it seems that she found a bunch of candy and assorted junk food wrappers hidden under his bed. She told me that she doesn't like Kyle eating too much sugar because it makes him irritable and she doesn't know how he got all the money to buy it. She thought maybe you or one of your little friends had something to do with it."

What the hell was going on? Mom was still staring at me waiting for my answer.

"I don't know, Mom. I didn't buy it for him."

"That's what I told Sheila. She's worried about him. He has been looking a little out of sorts lately. He looked awful pale last night."

So, I hadn't been the only one who noticed. Maybe, I'm not just paranoid. I had to get to the bottom of this.

"Uh, I'm sure it's nothing, Mom. I better get going. Don't want to be late." I laughed a bit nervously and raced out the front door and down the steps.

Reaching the bus stop, I ignored the usual greetings I got. Instead, I walked straight to Kyle.

"Kyle, you and I need to talk." I huffed.

"Oooh, could this be the big breakup of Stan and Kyle?"

Fucking Cartman!

Kyle ignored him. "About what, Dude?"

"I think you know."

He gave me a killer look that said; _I thought we agreed to not discuss this._ "We can talk at lunch. I have to finish some homework on the bus and I don't have time for chitchat."

He turned away harshly, ignoring me. Fine, then, Kyle. I'm getting to the bottom of this whether you want me to or not.

The ride to school was filled with an odd eerie silence that shattered my eardrums. For once, I didn't sit with Kyle. Kenny and I sat together. And Cartman took a seat to himself while Bebe, Wendy's annoying sidekick, took it upon herself to sit with Kyle. Didn't she know he had Madison? He ignored her anyways.

The day went by so slowly. I _had_ to talk to Kyle. It was killing me. What the fuck was wrong with him?

When the lunch bell rang, it was like sweet music to my ears. I dived through the crowd of kids entering the cafeteria. I actually got food today. I was starving after barely eating anything for the past few days.

Taking a seat at our lunch table, I noticed that I wasn't the only one there. Kenny sat, tipping his chair back slightly.

"Something's wrong with Kyle." He said. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"I know. I'm getting to the bottom of it as soon as he gets here."

Kenny set his chair back to the ground.

"Stan, don't pry too much. It may not seem like it right now, but Kyle is really messed up. He looks like a zombie. He walks around in a daze and he looks like he hasn't had a good sleep for nights. He doesn't listen to the teacher and I always see him asking for extra help after class. He's even pushing away from Madison. I don't know about you, but that's not the Kyle I know."

_How come he was doing this?_

God, I was sick. I actually felt happy when Kenny mentioned that part about Madison. I was _glad_ he was pushing away from her. I loathed Madison. Kyle's my best friend. I should be beside him one hundred percent.

"Shhh, shut up. Here he comes." I shushed him upon seeing Kyle and Cartman enter the cafeteria. Why did Kyle have so much food? It looked like he was eating for three. Well, maybe it'd help him look a bit healthier.

He sat down beside Kenny and Cartman took a seat beside me. Again, this wasn't right. It was usually switched.

I didn't get a chance to start speaking. Kyle plunged into his food immediately. Is he trying to delay me from talking? If he thinks that bullshit, '_I don't talk with my mouth full'_ bit was going to stop me, he had another thing coming. I could wait.

I ate my food as quickly as he ate his, both of us staring eachother down the whole time. Kenny and Cartman chattered on but could tell that something was definitely wrong.

It was a few minutes before Kyle finished eating completely. How did he eat that much so quickly?

"I've got to go in and take a test I missed yesterday." He got up and stalked out of the cafeteria before I had a chance to say something.

Kenny waited until he knew for sure Kyle was out of hearing distance before saying, "He's bullshitting. He didn't miss any fucking test yesterday. Go, Stan. Go find out what's wrong."

I nodded and ran out of the cafeteria to follow him. I kept a safe distance between the two of us. He turned a corner and I turned it right after, colliding with a teacher and knocking a stack of papers out of her arms. Fucking great. Smooth move, Stan.

"Uh, I'm sorry, Ma'am."

"It's alright. I can pick these up by myself. Go on."

Normally, I would've argued and helped her pick them up anyways. But nothing was normal right now. I ran on past her.

Fuck! I lost him.

I slid down against a row of lockers trying to catch my breath. I couldn't do this. My head was throbbing from running … not to mention the little collision with that teacher …

I sighed heavily and pushed myself back up. I was feeling like I might be sick. Running on a full stomach wasn't one of my brightest ideas. I walked to the nearest washroom and locked myself inside a stall. Kneeling down, I kept my head low, willing for the vomit to come up and spare my stomach the pain.

_What was that?_

I could hear someone gagging in the stall down a few from mine. I bent my head lower to the floor so I could see if someone was indeed in there.

Why did those shoes look so familiar … mother**_fucker_**!

I rushed angrily out of my stall and shoved the only other occupied stall in the bathroom open.

"Dude, what the **FUCK **do you think you're doing?!"

"Stan, I-I was just …"

"Shoving a finger down your throat? Oh, I understand. For someone who's a genius, you really are a dumbass."

Kyle was knelt in front of the toilet like I had been. Only, he had a finger shoved in his mouth and he was spilling out the contents of his lunch. It wasn't even _digested._

He got up suddenly, angry. "Okay, fine! So you caught me. I make myself vomit. What the fuck do you care, anyways? You don't know the pressure I have on me right now. If your parents kept telling you which colleges to apply for, you'd be stressed too. Christ, I'm only fifteen."

"This is a serious problem. Kyle, you-you're bulimic."

"I am not, Stan! I don't have a problem. Maybe I just need a way to deal with the pressure that's on me. Maybe everyone should just leave me the fuck alone and let me figure this shit out by myself. It might help if I had a best friend to talk to but you've been so off in your own little world lately, you haven't even noticed."

Was he serious? I had gone as far as having _dreams_ about him.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Dude? I have asked you …_pleaded_ with you for the last week to tell me what was wrong. How can you say I haven't noticed?"

"Do you care, Stan?" His words were softer, but the anger was still present.

Care? Of course I cared. I love you, Kyle.

_So the truth comes out. My god, I **am** a fag._

Instead, I replaced my true words with, "You know I fucking care. Are you trying to get yourself killed? The question is, do you care that you've been lying to me? You didn't have a test to do. And I suppose that all the candy your Mom found under your bed was part of your binging."

He raised his fist as if he were about to punch me, so I grabbed his arm first. I had never seen him look so angry. Greens eyes embedded in his pale face, blazing with fury.

"Oh, fuck off, Stan. If I needed your help, I'd tell you." He shook loose from my grip, turned on his heel and stomped out of the washroom.

Kyle, what the fuck have you done to yourself? Strangely enough, my second thought was, _I wonder if Madison knows._

I didn't even have time to think about it because I heard a loud thump outside the washroom door, followed by the scream of a woman.

I ran out and just about tripped … over a body.

"Kyle?!"

Kyle laid on the floor, a teacher holding his hand and trying to help him regain consciousness.

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Alrighty, so, his secret's out! I tried to keep it as suspenseful as possible. I did a bit of research as I said earlier, and I realize that it's not a normal symptom to become thin with bulimia. I've got another trick up my sleeve, however. Could something else be wrong with Kyle? Stay tuned …

-J


	6. Hospitalized

Omgomgomgomg. So you found out!! Haha. I seriously love all of you guys. You are giving me such great reviews! Anyways, so, something else is wrong with Kyle. These next few chapters are going to be a tough time for Stan. And I got a review from Chels-dawg asking why bulimia should be an outlet for his pressure … after doing quite a bit of research, I found that one of the most frequent causes of bulimia is problems at home or wanting to be in control. Also, I am sure to make a few mistakes with all this so please forgive me. I'm trying my best. Strangely enough I think I may listen to the American Beauty soundtrack. I just feel an urge to listen to something sad and depressing. Er, read on!

Hospitalized 

-Stan's POV-

I hated hospitals. They gave me the creeps. All the times when we were younger, we had all been here atleast once. I hated it then, too. It smelled like death. I felt weighed down with the misery of others, suffering through pain and sickness, preparing themselves for death and disappointment.

"Kyle's heart has become extremely weak. The acid from his stomach has burned layers of tissue in his esophagus. …"

I listened to Kyle's Mom tell me the filthy details of his secret and all the time I kept wondering, _why Kyle?_

What made Kyle do this to himself? Well, I knew that. Pressure from his parents. But Kyle had always handled pressure better than all of us. He never denied a problem and he always handled it right away.

Kyle was unconscious in hospital room 121. He had severe internal burns from stomach acid, inflammation to his esophagus, and he was suffering kidney failures.

Family was only allowed in so far and that was fine with me. I didn't want to see Kyle. I kept picturing what he might look like in my head. Pale and dead, tubes sticking in various places of his body. How could he be so stupid?

I was angry. Not at him or myself. I was just angry at the world. Everything was so fucked up.

I had been sitting in the uncomfortable, plastic waiting room chairs with Mrs. and Mr. Broflovski. I had called Mom and let her in on the details of what happened. I somehow felt it was my duty to stay with Kyle. After all the horrible things he had said to me, not to mention the horrible things I said to him, he was still my best friend. His parents told me everything the doctor had told them. They knew how close Kyle and I were. They probably wouldn't have told Kenny or Cartman. Just me.

After Kyle had collapsed outside the boy's bathroom, word had gotten around and a whole crowd had gathered to come see.

_Who the fuck did they think they were?_

They didn't see what I saw. I'd **never** get that image of Kyle making himself vomit out of my head.

Madison was sobbing her eyes out. She sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Her friends were hugging and comforting her. Somehow, it seemed like she was doing it all for the attention.

_I hate you, Madison._

I sighed heavily and leaned my head back against the cold wall. My eyes were tearing up and I didn't want Kyle's Mom's pity. Excusing myself to the bathroom, I got up and asked the nurse at the receptionists desk where it was.

Walking down the hallway was like hell. No, it was hell. I could hear a baby crying off in the distance.

_I can't take much more of this._

Finally getting to the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and locked it. There was one mirror hanging on the wall, a porcelain sink lay underneath it. Cheap liquid pink soap painted one side of it. I wondered, suddenly, what I must look like.

I walked over to the mirror, gripping the edge of the sink to steady myself. Why did I feel so dizzy?

Hollow blue eyes stared back at me. They looked like two holes in my face. Black hair was matted all around my head, framing my tired expression. The bruise on my cheekbone had faded but remainders of my black eye were still present. Although, by now, it had turned to a greenish-purple color.

All my life, I had been told I was handsome. My once bright blue eyes had lost their spark, though. I wonder what everyone would think now if they saw me. How long had I looked like this and why didn't I notice before?

I wanted to be nine again. Whenever something went wrong, Mom would hold me and tell me it'd be okay. She was always there to wipe away all my tears. That time Kenny was put in the hospital for a muscular disease. I had lost it. Not Kyle, though. I didn't see him shed a tear once. I didn't even get a chance to say _goodbye_, for Christ's sake. And all because I denied it when things got bad. I didn't fucking deal.

I sunk down against the wall. The tears that had threatened to fall all day finally came because I let them.

"Oh, god, Kyle. Why'd you have to do this? If I lose you …"

_Now I was talking to myself. Great. Just fucking great._

Something came to me. Maybe my fucked up dream wasn't so fucked up. I lost Kyle in it.

I shook my head violently. I wasn't going to lose Kyle. Kyle was strong. He'd pull through.

He fucking better pull through. The thought suddenly occurring to me. What else was I here for? Sure as hell not Wendy. Cartman and Kenny didn't mean shit to me compared to Kyle.

"What … would I do without him?" I asked aloud, choking back a sob and waiting for a non-existent answer. Who was I talking to, anyways? Was anybody even listening? Up there, I mean.

I laced my cold hands together, closing my eyes at the same time. Squeezing them shut helped block out some of the pain.

"God, please. Please, _please …_"

Why was this so hard?

"D-don't let Kyle die. Please, help him. I don't think I could go on without him and …"

I had to stop because I was crying so hard. I curled my knees up to my chest and sobbed into them.

_Was there even a god waiting for us?_

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. To hear my mind repeating his name gave me such a harsh shot of pain, I covered my ears.

"Kyle …" My voice sounding muffled to me.

_Enough of this. You're driving yourself to insanity, Stan._

I pushed myself up against the wall and walked back over to the mirror. I hated my reflection, right then. I hated my tear-drenched face. I hated my spiteful eyes.The person who stared back at me wasn't the Stan Marsh I used to know.

Grunting, I absently turned on the tap and waited for it to grow as cold as it could. I cupped a handful and splashed it in my face. The cool water was heaven to me. It woke me up. I've just been asleep. I bathed my face in pure sex.

Looking back up at my reflection, I could've sworn I looked more alive. My eyes still hollow and red from crying, taunted me. But on the whole, my complexion had brightened up.

Great, now I sounded just like a girl. Although, I did have to crack a smile.

That brought my thoughts to Wendy. Poor girl. I didn't even give her an explanation. I really am an asshole. I wonder why I never listened to Cartman before?

God, I was tired. My eyes felt heavy and my body was weary. How long had I been in the bathroom for? They'll probably think I'm jerking it.

I walked out and down the hallway, ignoring the loud silence that followed me. I stomped my feet down a bit harder just to relieve some of the tension and promptly received a dirty look and shush from one of the nurses.

Reaching the waiting room, I noticed that Kyle's parents weren't there any longer. A Mexican man had fallen asleep by the television; his head drooping over the side of the uncomfortable chair. A tired looking woman hushed a crying toddler on her lap.

"Hey, you!"

I turned around. A pretty young woman was there. She had beautiful brown eyes and a great smile. A week ago, I would've playfully flirted with her. Now, I didn't even feel a spark.

"Are you talking to me?"

She nods and smiles teasingly at me. "Your parents went up to your brother's room. They wanted me to let you know."

My parents? My brother?

"Oh, Miss, they …"

_Stan, shut up! If she thinks that you're family, you can go see Kyle, dumbass._

But, what if I didn't want to see him?

"Uh, thanks, Ma'am." It took me a minute to realize **she** was flirting with me. Well, maybe this way she won't notice that I'm lying. Why was I such a pussy when it came to lying?

It took me a minute to rack my brain; trying to remember what room he was in. 121. That was it. I took the elevator up a flight and slouched down the hallway, trying to seem invisible.

118 … 119 …120,_ deep breath, Stan._

I stopped in front of his room, suddenly afraid to go in. Was he awake? Was he still mad at me? Was I still mad at him? What would I say? How would I explain myself to his parents?

Inhaling deeply, I gripped the doorknob and turned it open.

----------------------

HURRAY FOR CLIFFIES. This chapter was supposed to be telling how Stan viewed himself and how he hates the person he has become. I'll let you all decide if I managed to portray it. Hugs and kisses, for I love you all. Stay tuned …

-J


	7. A Visit with Kenny

Hey, everyone! So, here's the seventh chapter. I have some unhappy news to share, also. I know how everyone loves how fast I update. I want to keep you all very happy, but school starts tomorrow, unfortunately. Christmas break has been fun but now I need to get down to some serious studying, seeing as I have my finals coming up in no more than two weeks. This is not to say I will be ditching this story. I may or may not be able to update as often. I do type very quickly so … it won't take long for me to post more chapters; it may just be a bit delayed. I don't know all this for sure yet. We'll see what this week is like for me in school. My Science teacher LOVES to give homework and torture us. It may be his favorite thing in the whole world. Haha. Hopefully you'll keep reading though and giving me more excellent reviews. Cartman and Kenny have been neglected in this fic so I'm putting them in quite a bit this chapter. I'm trying my hardest and I love you all! (MUAH)

A Visit with Kenny

-Stan's POV-

I peaked inside the room. The walls were painted a depressing yellow color that must've been originally meant to brighten up the room. Kyle's Mom was fast asleep in a chair by his bed and his Father wasn't anywhere around. I had been avoiding having to look at Kyle, but I knew if I didn't now, I'd regret it when I got home.

_Just one look. One look to tell me he's alive and I'll go home._

I had been expecting tons of machines surrounding the cot he was asleep on. Instead, he was hooked up to an IV and two tubes ran up his nose. I wonder how much that hurt. Of course, he was probably unconscious when they did it.

I looked back out in the hallway, making sure nobody was in sight. It was completely empty. I ducked into the room, quietly closing the door behind me.

_Now what?_

I cautiously made my way over to the edge of Kyle's bed. I was trying to keep my footsteps quiet so I wouldn't wake up his Mom. I was afraid of how she may react.

I looked down at Kyle. His face was still considerably pale and the bags still kept their place under his eyes. He looked troubled, even in his sleep. He was still beautiful, to me. Madison doesn't deserve him. She takes him for granted and one day, she'll regret it.

I gently grabbed one of his hands. It was so cold. I place my hands under and over his.

"I'm sorry, Kyle." I whisper, wondering half mindedly if he could hear me.

"You didn't deserve this. I hate to see you have so much pressure on your shoulders." Why was I apologizing for something he had brought upon himself? He could've talked to his parents about what they were causing him to do. He could've talked to his school counselor. This wasn't his last resort. It was his first and dumbest.

"Kyle, you're an idiot." I sighed. There wasn't much point in me staying here. I didn't want to get caught by Kyle's Mom. It wouldn't be good for her to wake up and see me holding her eldest son's hand.

_I wonder where Ike is._

I reluctantly let go of his hand and exited the room, taking one last look at Kyle. I could've sworn he had a smile on his face. I half wondered if he was faking. That fucker always liked to stir up trouble.

_Snap out of it, Stan. You're losing your mind._

I was glad to get out of the hospital and into the cold night air. Being in there was like staying in a dramatic movie that you were the star of and you couldn't get out of.

I didn't want to go home right now. I couldn't face Mom's concern. She'd have a billion questions waiting for me.

_I know everything isn't okay, but I want to pretend it is._

I walked on down the street, not quite sure of where I was going and I ended up at a broken down shack that was Kenny McCormick's house. Gosh, it was cold out.

What was I going to say to Kenny? He would want to know what happened to Kyle. I think he deserved to know … he had helped me out in the past few days. I can tell Kenny.

I walked up to the door and just as my finger pressed the doorbell, the door swung open. Kenny huffed and puffed for air and seemed startled to see me standing there, cheeks pink from the cold.

"Hey, Dude. What are you doing here?"

'Hey, Kenny. I just got back from the hospital and I need to tell somebody about my undying love for Kyle.' It's what I wanted to say but instead, I nodded a hello.

"I just needed someone to talk to."

He nodded understandingly and stepped out from the house.

"Not here. Dad's drunk." He grinned but I could see a bruise showing up from where he had been smacked. Kenny never did have the best life at home. I wondered how he put up with it. If it had been me, I would've killed myself by now.

"How about the pond?" I suggested. He shrugged carelessly and pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his pocket. Over the years, Kenny had become a nicotine addict. It must've started with that time we all decided to try cigarettes behind the school and ended up burning it down instead. I smiled at the fond memory.

He offered me one and I took it. I usually didn't smoke but I had heard that cigarettes helped lift tension. I needed all the help I could get right now.

He lit his first, blocking the small flame on his lighter with his hand to keep it from going out and I leaned my head over towards him so he could light mine. We continued our journey to Stark's Pond, where we had shared many happy childhood memories.

"It's cold out, huh?" I suddenly felt awkward around Kenny. We rarely hung out together. Kyle or Cartman were always there with us.

"Mmmm …" He was trying to blow smoke rings through his mouth.

I puffed on the cigarette. God, it tasted awful. But it was taking my mind off Kyle. Mom would kill me if she saw me with a cigarette dangling from my mouth.

"So, Kyle's in pretty rough shape, huh?" His assumption startled me.

"Yeah, he's not doing too good. His Mom told me that they're going to start therapy on him as soon as he's awake. If he fucks around with his digestive system anymore, that could be it for him, though." I could feel that same tightening in my chest. I was getting pretty used to it by now.

Kenny stopped walking. I turned back at him curiously, swallowing back more tears.

"Why are you stopping?"

Kenny threw the butt of his cigarette to the ground, putting it out with the toe of his worn out shoe.

"Stan, you can cry in front of me you know. I'm not like Cartman. I know you're human." He offered a friendly smile.

I snorted. "Kenny, to be honest, I'm all cried out. I'm trying to keep from crying. Fuck, I sound like a pussy."

"No, you don't. It's okay, Stan. Shit happens. Kyle will make it. He's a fighter." He gave me a pat on the shoulder.

I found little comfort in his words. I had been telling them to myself all day.

I wasn't finished the cigarette but I threw it to the ground anyways and stubbed it out with my foot. I felt like throwing up from the taste that was left lingering in my mouth.

"It's not that, Kenny. Damn it, you should have just heard how he talked to me in the washroom today … like, it was my fault that he had become bulimic. And maybe it was my fault. God, the fight with Eli really fucked me up. I've been fucked up all week!"

He looked at me, concern carved into his blue eyes. His hood was down for once, and the winter wind gently caressed his blond bangs against his forhead. Kenny would've been really handsome if he didn't smoke so much. His skin was lined like that of a much older man. He knew how worked up I was getting.

"Where do you want to go?"

I thought for a minute.

"Aw, hell. Let's go see, Fatass. Maybe, I can take my mind off all this by kicking his sorry ass at game sphere."

Kenny grinned and put an arm around my shoulder. We walked like that all the way to Cartman's house.

We arrived there and his Mom welcomed us in with concern and questions about how cold it was outside. Cartman's house had always been a good hangout, aside from the fact that his Mom was a crackwhore. She was pleasant and friendly, though. I wondered if she knew about Kyle.

"Come on in, Boys. Eric is watching T.V." She said gesturing towards the family room.

We walked in to see Cartman sitting and laughing at Terrance and Philip. I always wondered why we all grew out of it before he did. I was starting to think he might never.

"Hey, Cartman." Kenny was the only one who rarely called him 'fatass' or 'fatfuck'.

He looked over automatically. "Oh, hey, you guys. What are you doing here?"

"We thought we'd come and see if you wanted to play game sphere." I replied.

"Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. You never do learn, do you?"

"Shut up, Fatass. I can beat you any day." I knew he was referring to the game by the way he eyed it mischievously. It looked like it hadn't been played with in weeks. The controllers were carelessly thrown about on the floor and a slight dust had settled over top of it.

He shoved off the couch with a grunt and waddled over to it.

"Well, c'mon then. Let's get this over with."

-----------------------------

"AYE! You killed my guy, buttfucker!"

"HAHA. STAN THE MAN LIVES ON!"

Kenny, Cartman and I had been playing for over an hour now and I had beaten them both each time. I smiled and leaned back with a look of pure satisfaction on my face.

Cartman shut the game off angrily. "Fuck, that game is gay anyways."

"Or, maybe you just suck, Fatboy."

Cartman sat back against the couch for a minute.

"So, uh, Stan. How's Jewboy doing?"

Well, atleast he was showing _some_ concern.

"He was still unconscious when I left. His Mom told me that he has some damage done internally. He'll need therapy when he wakes up."

Cartman nodded. I can tell he doesn't know what to say. Kenny notices, too, for he slides closer to him and places a hand on his shoulder. Cartman's afraid to show that he really does care about Kyle. Despite all the names they call each other they are still friends.

"Well, when you go and see him again, tell him I say I hope he feels better."

"I'll do that." Even Cartman had feelings.

I look up at that clock on Cartman's VCR. It's flashing _11:02pm._

"Oh, shit. I better be getting home though. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Bye!"

"Bye, Stan."

"Later, Marsh."

I walk down the steps of his house and wonder if my parents are still awake. I really hope they're in bed. I don't feel like playing twenty questions right now.

The porch light is on when I walk up to my house.

_Great. They're probably awake._

I shuffle around in my pants pocket for my house keys, find them, unlock thefootandwalk in, waiting to be pounced on.

Nothing. The kitchen light is and I walk in to find a note on the table.

_Stanley,_

_We had to rush to the hospital. Shelley overdosed on Tylenol and has to get her stomach pumped. We'll call you and let you know what's happening. Please go to sleep, though and don't worry about this._

_Xoxo_

_Love, Mom_

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Oh no. More drama. Haha. I have to add it. It just adds more suspense. Stay tuned. More to come :-)


	8. Silently Broken

Hey! So, school today. Dios Mio! My Science teacher PILED on the homework. Agh. My Spanish teacher also gave quite a bit. Haha. But, I decided to write this next chapter right now seeing as I'll be doing homework all night. Sooo, enjoy!! Also, a few questions. Is anybody who reads this left-handed? And … what do you do when the first signs of writer's block appear? I need to know everyone's way of dealing with it. More reviews are always appreciated :-) Read on!

Silently Broken 

-Stan's POV-

Well, who didn't see that coming? Shelley had been fucked up for weeks. It all started when her jockass boyfriend dumped her. If she wasn't so mean to me, I would've kicked his ass. She was my sister, after all.

I sighed and glanced at the clock.

_A little past midnight._

My hands felt unusually cold and I rubbed them together, trying to create some friction. There wasn't any point in staying up to see what would happen. Mom would make me go to school tomorrow, whether I wanted to or not. I had to go on with life even if I wanted to pause everything for Kyle.

I hated having to lie awake in bed. I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried, every time I closed my eyes, Kyle's face appeared. Your subconscious really fucks with your mind this time of night. My eyes finally did close though.

The next time I opened them, it was morning. Bright sunshine poured in through my window. Somewhere off in the distance, I could hear the phone ringing.

I let out a groan of exhaustion.

_Leave me alone … so tired._

I knew it was probably Mom. Who else would call this early? I also knew that she wouldn't stop trying if I didn't pick up.

I pushed myself up with a lot of effort and climbed out of my warm bed, setting my feet down on the cold floor. On my way out, I step on something sharp.

"Son of a bitch!"

I wince and look down. A toy car? What the crap? Where did that come- oh yeah. Kyle and I had been using it a few weeks ago to demonstrate a science experiment. It was Ike's toy car. I missed how normal everything used to be. Or how it seemed normal. The truth really does hurt.

I rub my foot gently, massaging the pain away. The phone continues to ring.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." I grumble. I never was a morning person. Maybe I should also think of cleaning up my room.

"Hello?" I answer into the phone, breathlessly from running down the stairs.

"Stanley, it's Mom."

Knew it.

"Hi, Mom. How's Shelley doing?"

I hear a strained sigh over the phone.

"It's been a long night. They just stabilized her. She was really lucky."

I couldn't help but be relieved. It wouldn't be the same without hearing her shrill voice screaming at me."

"That's good to hear, Mom."

She sounded preoccupied with something. "Yes, Stanley. Listen, just because all this has happened isn't any reason for you to miss school. We'll be bringing her home later today anyways. Now, go on and get ready. Have a good day."

Typical, Mom.

"Okay, thanks, Mom. Bye."

I hung up the phone. Might as well get going. The sooner the day was over, the sooner I could go and see Kyle. I race up the stairs and realize how I must smell. I hadn't showered in a few days. I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

_Well, I've got time to shower._

I strip off my pajamas and hop into the shower, adjusting the taps so the temperature is just right. When had my hair become so matted? Goddamn. I squirt a quarter-size dip of shampoo into my hand and scrub my head with it.

I hated mornings. Everything about them. They say showers are supposed to wake you up. The warm water just puts me back to sleep.

I let the water run down my aching body for a few more minutes. Oh, God, I did not want to go to school. I knew what was waiting for me there. Kids would look at me with pity.

'Oh, look! There goes that kid who picked a fight with Eli. His best friend is in the hospital now.'

That's when it occurred to me. Mom won't know if I skip school today. She's going to be at the hospital for a few more hours, at least. I'll just make sure I'm out of here by the time she comes home.

I laughed out loud to myself. I was really losing it. A few weeks ago, I would never have the balls to lie to my own Mother. What does it matter now?

_What does it really fucking matter?_

I hop out of the shower and actually feel good. Maybe, good enough to face my enemy again.

I walk over to the mirror and see my nightmare. The monster I had become.

I'm shocked to see Stanley Marsh staring back at me. _Clean_ black hair. Rested blue eyes. A natural slight pink blush in my cheeks.

"Nice to see you again, Buddy." I feel slightly silly talking to my reflection. But I'm glad to see the way he smiles at me.

I waltz to my room, flicking on the stereo as I go to my closet. Some hip-hop song was on and I was too lazy to reach over and turn it off. I had always been particularly fond of rock, myself.

I throw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweater. It was no designer original, but it would have to do.

I pull my toque, the same one I had worn since I was a kid, over my slightly damp hair. It needed to be cut but I hadn't felt like doing much of anything lately. Oh well, no school for me today.

I end up walking to the bus stop, anyways. Not to be getting on the actual bus, but just to see some familiar faces before I play the game of hooky.

"Hey, Stan." Kenny's greeting comes first and Cartman grunts something that sounds like hello.

"Hey, you guys. How's it going?"

Kenny nods. "Can't complain."

Cartman doesn't answer. Not much of a surprise. My guess is that he is embarrassed over showing care for Kyle last night.

"By the way, I'm skippin' it out today."

Cartman snorts.

"What? Is there a problem, Fatboy?"

"Just seems a little hard to believe that a little pussy like you is going to skip. First a fight in school and now hooky. Careful, Stan. The police will be after you in no time."

I glare at him. "So, anyways," I look back to Kenny. "I'll see you guys later."

"Wait! Do you mind if I come? I wouldn't mind seeing Kyle." It scares me how Kenny can almost read me like a book.

I shrug. "Sure, if you want. It's not pretty though, Dude."

Kenny nods and stands by my side.

"So, I guess you're on your own, Fatass."

"AYE! I'm not fat. I'm _big-boned_." He says it like he's trying to believe it himself.

"Suuuuure, Cartman. Bye."

Kenny and I walk off, laughing as we can hear Cartman shouting profanities at us. It's the first time I laugh and actually mean it in days.

The hospital isn't far off and I silently pray, asking for god to keep my Mom and I at separate ends so she doesn't see me by some chance.

I'm glad for Kenny's company. I feel more at peace when he's around. He was my voice of sanity, right now.

A small snowfall has started and I laugh as Kenny dances around, comically trying to catch falling snowflakes in his mouth. He gives me a playful shove and sends me into a snowdrift.

"Hey! Watch it, McCormick." I growl, half-kidding as I swipe at the snow off my butt.

I feel sort of guilty … somehow feeling that it's Kyle's sickness that is bringing Kenny and I closer together.

We enter the hospital, him putting out his cigarette, me glancing around nervously for my Mom. No sign of her. But that same Nurse who had been flirting with me last night is at the desk again.

"Well, hello again! I see you brought someone." She gives me a wink and I feel Kenny nudge me.

"Go right on up, Handsome. I believe your brother is awake."

As we walk to the elevator, I hear Kenny whisper to me, "Your **brother**?"

I smirk. "Don't ask. It's a long story."

He gives me a crazy grin and we stop on Kyle's floor.

"What room is it?"

I point to the one we stop in front of and I can hear yelling coming from inside.

It was Kyle yelling. And it sounded like he was yelling at his Mother. Kyle _never_ yelled at his parents.

Kenny and I exchange a worried look before I raise my fist and give the door a little knock.

-----------------------------------------

I would write more, but surprise surprise. South Park's on!! Please review and I love you all! (Hugs and Kisses)

-J


	9. Can you forgive me again?

Howdy! How's everyone doing? Yay! Ninth chapter! I'm stoked I got this far. Don't stop reading, the ending is getting closer. I already have this whole thing planned out. It's just a matter of writing it down. Now, don't get worried, but I have a slight case of Writer's Block and it's making it very hard to put my ideas down on paper. Haha, we'll see how that turns out. Anyways, do go on.

Can you forgive me again?

-Stan's POV-

The door swung open, startling Kenny and I as we both jumped back. Kyle's Mom stood there, red in the face with an angry snare on her face.

Not even acknowledging us, she turned around and snapped into the room, "Kyle, I want you OUT of that mood by the time I get back with your Father!"

She stomped down the hallway, ignoring us. Kenny and I looked at each other. He shrugged and I grinned.

Stepping into the room, we were greeted by a red-faced Kyle. Keeping his arms crossed, he followed us into the room with his eyes.

"Well, good morning, Sunshine." Kenny commented.

"Shut up, Dude!" He looked over at me and turned away, obviously still mad. How could he still be mad after all that had happened?

Kenny snubbed his bad mood and sat down into a chair by the bed. He swung his feet on the covers of Kyle's bed and smiled smugly. "How are you feeling?"

Kyle huffed angrily. "I'd be better if I was out of this fucking hell hole. Why am I here, anyways? Oh yeah, I remember," He said, putting a finger up to his chin like he was thinking thoughtfully. " 'Cause Stan can't keep his goddamn mouth shut!"

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Why was he being so malicious? This wasn't the Kyle I grew up with. But, I defended myself anyways.

"Hey, back off, Dude! I didn't put you in here. It's not my fault you passed out from your own stupid mistake!"

He closed his mouth, still looking at me.

"Fuck, I just came here to see how you were. Kenny and I blew off school. You could be a little more gracious."

Kyle looked ashamed.

"Oh, Stan. I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fault. I hate fighting with you. You have stuck by me, even when I was being a total asshole. I'm really sorry." He looked close to tears.

I took a seat on the edge of his bed. "It's okay, Kyle. I'm sorry, too. I understand how hard this is for you."

He smiled. "Thanks for coming, you guys. I missed you. I even miss Fatass … well, kind of."

Kenny laughs and his eyes twinkle charismatically.

"So, what's life like here?"

Kyle rolls his eyes, annoyed. "It's horrible! They won't give me ANY privacy. I can't even have a bathroom in my room because they think I'll go shove a finger down my throat."

I nod, suddenly remembering his fight with his Mom. "What happened with you and your Mom?"

"Oh, God, Dude. She won't get off my back. The minute I wake up, she's on my case about how stupid I am. I snapped at her and told her to leave me the hell alone."

Kenny is balancing a pencil he pulled from his pocket on the bridge of his nose. "Atta boy!"

Kyle smiles. "Madison called and said she'd come and visit after school today."

I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. I remember the night I held his hand while he slept.

"When do you start therapy?" I say, quickly changing the subject.

Kyle looks surprised. "How'd you know all this?"

"Well, first off, your Mom told him and second of all, this cute Nurse downstairs keeps flirting with him and she thinks that he's your Brother." Kenny answers for me.

Kyle snorts with laughter. "My brother?! Haha! We don't look anything alike."

I grin. "I know. But I wanted to see you."

He looks at me thoughtfully, cocking his head. He looks so cute, I want to confess my feelings right there.

"Thanks, Dude. I wanted to see you, too."

Kenny gives me a small wink, like he knows what's going on inside my head. He gets up with a small grunt. He really does smoke too much. It's hard for him to even get up.

"Well, guys. I need to leak. Plus, I'm going to go get some food from the vending machine, maybe hook up with that Nurse that wants Stan. I'll be back."

He walks out the door, whistling an unrecognizable tune on his way. I hear him get shut up by a Nurse.

I suddenly feel naked, being so alone with Kyle.

He clears his throat, disturbing the uncomfortable silence filling the room. I can feel him looking at me, trying to see inside my soul. I can picture his green eyes, staring me down. His red hair setting them off even more and making them look more startling than they really are.

"Stan."

I look up. "Hm?"

"I really am sorry. I really do feel bad about all those things I said to you. You didn't ignore my problems." He sighs, frustrated. "I was just so …_mad._ I needed someone to take it out on. It wasn't right of me and I'm sorry."

_Now this is more like the Kyle I know and love._

"It's okay, Man. I'd do the same thing probably. I would never abandon you though."

He nods, looking down at his bed sheets as if they are the most interesting things in the world.

"I know, Stan … and I'm going to stop this. All of this bullshit."

I smile. Without thinking, I take his hand. He looks shocked, but he doesn't pull away. We are inches away from kissing. Closer, _closer …_

"Hey, guys. That ho Nurse shut me down." Kenny comes back into the room, cradling an assortment of junk food.

I pull away from Kyle and drop his hand. He looks away and hides his hand under the bed sheet.

Kenny looks at us, his eyes darting from me to Kyle. He sighs and plops down into the chair once again.

"Geez, is it only me who gets the awkward silence when I enter a room?"

We don't answer.

-----------------------------------------

"What the hell happened with you and Kyle when I left?"

Kenny and I are walking down the front stairs at the entrance of the hospital. It's gotten colder out and I shiver, not so much from the cold, but from remembering the incident that had occurred just an hour ago.

"Nothing happened."

Kenny eyes me. "Don't bullshit me, Stan. Guilt was written all over your innocent faces."

I shove him, this time, not so gently. "Well, nothing happened, Kenny. Sorry to disappoint your perverted mind."

He holds up his hand in fake defense, as if to block my words from hitting him. "Hey! You said it, not me. I never once mentioned anything perverted."

Goddamn Kenny. I feel his elbow in my side. Annoyed, I look up.

"What?"

He leans over and whispers close to me. I can see his breath cling to the air. "Isn't that Madison?"

I look over to where his eyes are and sure enough, I see Madison walking towards us.

"Goddammit …"

"Yoo-hoo! Stanley! Kenny!"

I hate the way she calls me _Stanley._ My parents and a few teachers were the only ones who ever got away with it.

Kenny waves but I ignore her.

She walks up to us, flicking her long blond hair out of her face. Madison was pretty. There was no denying that. If she wasn't such a slut …

"I'm going to see Kyle. Is he awake?"

Kenny nods. I know for a fact that anything with breasts and cares enough to talk to him his top of Kenny's list.

"He was when we left."

She smiles and then turns to me. "How are you, Stanley?"

I force a smile. "Great. How are you?"

She pouts. "I've been better. I hate to know Kyle's in the hospital with something I can't fix."

You could be a big help by leaving him alone and sparing him the fakeness of your presence.

"Kyle will pull through."

She nods and smiles. She reaches out, touches my shoulder slightly and gives me a wink.

"Stay out of trouble, Stanley," she purrs. "Bye, Kenny."

Now, what just happened there? The little whore …

Kenny is grinning at me like an idiot.

Annoyed, I snap, "what?!"

He shakes his head, still with that same silly grin on his face.

"I just find it funny how the girls fall all over you."

I shove him into a snowdrift and duck from him as he chases me all the way back home, chucking the occasional snowball. It felt good to laugh again.

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Well, no big cliffie. I got a lot of homework but I thought I'd write out this Chapter. It's not my best but I promise you AMAZING chapters to come. Hugs and Kisses.

-J


	10. Some Patience

Hello! I feel horrible! I've been so stressed with schoolwork that I haven't really given a good chapter for awhile. The last chapter was extremely rushed and I apologize. I'm trying to make ends meet and time isn't agreeing with me. I'm hoping to get this story done by Friday, but we'll see what happens with that. Read on!!!

Some Patience

-Stan's POV-

Weeks had passed. Kyle showed improvement with each day he spent in therapy at the hospital. So much in fact that he was finally released to go home. He couldn't have been happier. Neither could I.

"I'm fucking stoked, Dude! That place was my nightmare! I actually can't wait to get back to school."

I smiled. In the past few weeks, I had visited him practically everyday, bringing his homework, keeping him company and playing video games for hours. I was happy that he was finally allowed to go home. His moods had turned into happier tales and as the days went by, the color in his face returned.

_The old Kyle is back._

"I'm glad you're coming back to school, too. I mean, Kenny's fun to hang out with but it's just not the same without you there … making fun of Fatass."

Kyle gave that same rich laugh he always had. He had always been the type of guy that can make you smile by just laughing.

Him and I were now walking together to the bus stop. We didn't usually but his Mom had secretly called me and asked me to keep an eye on him for a while. Not that I minded.

It was quite cold out this morning, but I didn't care. I was too busy watching Kyle as he excitedly chattered on. His green eyes sparkled in the morning sunlight. Snowflakes danced off his hat and onto his pink cheeks. He was so perfect to me.

"So, how about it, Dude?"

Crap. I shook my head and blinked.

"I'm sorry, what?"

He grinned. "Stan, you're off in the clouds this morning."

I laughed. "I am? I didn't notice. How about what?"

He wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve, like a little kid would. "I was saying that my parents are going away this weekend and I'm going to ask Mom if I can invite you, Kenny and Cartman over. We can play video games and watch R-rated movies and everything."

"Sure, Kyle. It sounds like fun. My Mom won't mind. She's been pouring over Shelley ever since she overdosed. I think she's fine now." Shelley coming home had been unbearable. She was miserable, sitting on the couch all day, surrounded by balled up tissue wads, eyes red from crying. Not to mention, I got punched just about every time I asked her how she was feeling. Finally, Mom told me just to let her come out of it on her own.

He gave a grin. "Good. I'm glad everything is finally getting back to normal. I can't believe I could of d- …" He winced, held up his pointer finger for me to give him a second, and then gave a loud, hoarse cough; some aftermath of the damage that had been done to his esophagus.

I shivered. I knew what he was going to say. _Died._ I hated to think of what I'd be like if he had died.

His coughing fit calmed down after a few painful seconds of listening.

"You okay, Man?"

He nodded, red in the face. His expression said he was fine but I couldn't help noticing his watering eyes.

He never did finish his sentence and I was glad. I didn't want to hear the reality of the past. The future was my fancy for now. Aside from that, we had reached the bus stop and Kyle had forgotten about what he was going to say due to the excitement of seeing everyone.

"He-ee-eey! Look who's back. It's the Jew!" Cartman's choice of words weren't very pleasant but he said them with a friendly smile.

Kyle grinned. "Hey, Fatass. Nice to see you, too."

He gave Kenny a high-five and took the spot where he usually stood. I had always admired how Kyle seemed to get along with everyone, excluding Cartman. I watched in awe as he filled Kenny and Cartman in on everything that had happened; his therapy, his Mom being a bitch about the whole thing (Cartman had sneered under his breath when he said this, that she always had been a bitch), and just how he was feeling.

He seemed surprisingly calm. I had always wondered how he could be completely fucked and the next day he was joking about it and tempting fate. Just another amazing feature of Kyle Broflovski.

---------

Getting on the bus was like walking into a bar with a well-known celebrity. The bus was filled with laughter and daily gossip, but everyone stopped as soon as Kyle walked on. He looked nervous for the first time that day.

"HEY! Broflovski's back!!" I heard someone scream from the back. A cheer filled the small bus, a few claps and whistles amongst it all. And Kyle gave it a blush.

"Kyle! Kyle! Come sit next to me!" Bebe patted the empty spot next to her, after shoving Wendy out. She huffed angrily and plopped down into an empty seat.

Kyle shrugged, grinned sheepishly and took her offer. She let out a little squeal and bombarded him with information and news about school.

I grinned at him as he listened and pretended to care. I caught his eyes and he rolled them, but Bebe didn't notice.

There weren't anymore seats, except for the one … right next to Wendy. I knew if I asked her to sit down, she would either ignore me or vocally express her hate for me. The only time we had talked since that day in the cafeteria was when she came up to me and told me that she was sorry about Kyle.

I sat down without permission.

"H-hi, Wendy."

She stopped looking out the window and turned to me. "Hi, Stan."

Her voice is so quiet I have to strain my ears to hear her. She gives me a small smile. She seems as nervous as I do … or more.

I clear my throat, not quite sure of what to say. She saves me from it though.

"Kyle seems just like a star, doesn't he? With all the attention and everything, I mean. It's nice to see him back at school. I know you missed him."

I nodded. "I'm glad he's back. He's real glad, too. He's finally getting better and learning to deal."

She puts a hand on my shoulder. "You're a good friend, Stan. Kyle's lucky to have you by his side through this whole thing. I hate how it didn't work out for us but I just want you to know, I don't hate you."

This shocked me. I thought Wendy despised me. She had always been extremely sensitive and she took _everything _personally. And why did it seem like she knew about my crush on Kyle?

"Thanks, Wendy. I'm sorry, too." I felt like I was at a loss for words. "We'll both find the ones that mean the most to us."

She smiled. I can hear an uproar of laughter from the back and it causes both Wendy and I to turn around. Kyle is doing an impression of Cartman and is earning some smiles.

She laughs and I feel like I did back a few months ago. Like, everything is the same as it always had been.

But I know that nothing ever will be, but this is probably the closest it will come. I soak it all in, remembering it in my mind.

--------------

We entered school with the same attention that was given on the bus. Only more of it this time. Kyle seems modest but I know he likes the feeling of admiration.

The day passes by quickly and soon, it's lunchtime. Kyle and I walk through the cafeteria, him with an average serving of food. It feels just like old times.

"Man, it feels good to be back. I really missed all this." He sniffs his food and pulls back suddenly. "Well, maybe not the food."

I laugh. "Yeah, I was wondering about that. Why don't they ever serve us anything that doesn't come out of a microwaveable box?"

I notice how his eyes light up and I look to see what he finds so interesting over my shoulder.

_Madison. Go figure._

"Kyle!!!" She throws her body around him, clinging to him like a leech.

For weeks, she had been making a point of talking to me everyday. She kept trying to get closer and closer to me. I hated how dishonest she was to Kyle. She probably thinks that guys have no heart and they'll gladly go after their best friend's girl. I would _never_ do anything to hurt Kyle.

"Hey, Maddy. How goes it?"

She kisses him and I have to turn away. I can't watch that. I can almost feel my heart breaking. I excuse myself.

"Hey, Kyle, I need to go grab something from my locker. I'll be back, okay?"

He pulls away and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Okay, Dude. Want me to come?"

I shake my head. "No, no. It's okay. You sit and eat. I'll be fast."

He looks confused as I speed out of the cafeteria. I didn't know what I was doing. I guess I just needed sometime to make sure the tears wouldn't start spilling. What the hell is wrong with me?

_I was never this sensitive._

I walk down the hallway, hands in my pockets. Why did I have to like Kyle this much? He has a girlfriend. He isn't gay. I'm just going to have to accept that.

"Where ya goin', Marsh?" I hear someone growl from behind me.

Son of a bitch. I know that voice. I turn around.

"Why do you need to know, Eli?" I snap.

He backs up, holding his hands up like the police had caught him, red-handed. That's when I notice that he has two of his friends with him. They used to be my buddies, until I got _replaced_.

"Whoa, easy, Boy. I was just curious. I mean, I thought you'd be kissing that Kyle kid's ass like all the kids are doing."

"Shut the fuck up, Eli. Dude, let someone else have the spotlight, for Christ's sake."

He grins at me, but there is no friendliness in it. It's pure evil.

"I didn't mean to diss your boyfriend, Stan. Ever since you got kicked off the team, you've been such a little fag. Whoever could do such a thing as take your position from you? Oh, wait. It was me. I guess some pussies just weren't meant to play football."

_That did it._

I hurled such a strong volley of swear words at him that he backed up.

"Man, that Marsh kid is sassy. We should teach him to watch his mouth." I heard one of them say.

I feel them closing in on me, backing me against a locker. I'm surrounded. I'll never get out of this. If it were only Eli, I would've gladly taken the challenge. But, three against one? There was no way …

Eli grabs the front of my shirt and I close my eyes, waiting for the first punch.

"I'm going to enjoy this. I've always hated you, Marsh. You're really fucked now." He growls.

He punches me in the stomach and I fall to the ground with a groan. Where were all the kids in the hallways when you needed them?

The two other guys with him hold me down and Eli punches me in the face.

"This will teach you not to fuck with me!"

I wait for another punch and I feel him being torn up off me.

"HEY! BREAK IT UP AND MARCH YOURSELF RIGHT DOWN TO THE OFFICE. NOW!"

I open my eyes slightly, the world spinning. My focus comes back and I realize it's that teacher I knocked down a month and a half ago. I feel regretful for not helping her up at the time. She just saved my ass and I couldn't even take two minutes to help her?

Eli and his friends slump down to the office but not before he yells back at me, "this isn't over!"

"Are you okay?"

I sit up and steady myself against the locker. I manage to nod.

"Stan!" I think I can hear Kyle down the hall but I'm not positive. He comes and sits himself right next to my side.

"Stan! Stan! Are you okay?" I wish he would stop yelling. My head was spinning.

I nod and just as I'm about to tell him to quiet down, darkness takes me into her grasp.

--------------

Yay! I'm proud of this chapter. It turned out like I wanted it too. Review and let me know what YOU think! Hugs and Kisses!


	11. Bese Primero

Hey! Okay, here's the new chapter and just to let you all know, there will be only TWO more chapters after this one and then it will be done! But, no worries. I've already got another idea for a new fic forming in my head. Keep reading all my stuff and I promise I'll keep you all very happy. Thanks again for all the reviews! I love you all!

Bese primero

-Stan's POV-

A bright light was shining through the darkness. It caught me when I didn't want to be found.

"Stanley, can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes but the light hurt so much that I immediately tried to close them, again. The voice wouldn't let me.

"You've got to keep your eyes open for me, dear."

_I wish the room would sit still._

"W-where am I?" I asked, my mouth so dry.

The voice that I then realized belonged to the school nurse replied briskly, "You're in the sick room. You fainted. You don't remember?"

I began to shake my head when a flashback of the fight with Eli slashed through my head. My stomach lurched but she didn't seem to notice.

For the first time, I realized I was on a squishy mattress covered with that white medical tissue paper sheet.

"Yes, we were quite worried about you there for awhile. I practically had to bribe your friend to go to class. He looked close to tears." She chuckled to herself like it was funny.

"Kyle?"

She glanced over at me. "Yeah, I think that's what he said his name was."

I groaned and sat upright on the mattress.

"What time is it?"

She pointed to a clock over on the wall, above the door.

_4:00pm._

"Holy crap! School's over."

She nodded and continued sorting through some papers on her messy desk.

"Yes, it is. We called your parents about a half an hour ago. They are worried about you, but they can't get here right away because of the huge snowstorm that has blown in over the afternoon. I told them that I could stay a little while longer with you until they get here."

Snowstorm? It seemed sunny out this morning …

Looking around for a window, I was disappointed to see how closed in this room really was. Aside from the door, there was no other opening. The walls were painted such a bright white that I felt like I was staring into the eyes of God. There was an old poster on the wall of a gorilla lying on a couch with sunglasses on. This room was so sickening, I felt like puking.

Kyle's face suddenly popped into my head

_Well, obviously. He does have a family._

"Well, I need to get these documents to the Principal, so hang tight and I'll be right back."

I nod and watch as she hurries out the door. God, she had a big ass. I didn't like this Nurse. She was too brisk and frightening.

I sigh and push myself off the bed. I can see a mirror hanging on the wall above a cold metal sink. I'm afraid to look but I need to see my newest battle scars.

The mirror has lipstick and other various makeup smudges on it, but I can see my reflection well enough.

It's still me. With a fat lip and _another_ black eye. I think I can see dried pools of blood in my left nostril. Fuck, I hate Eli more than anything at that moment. I hate how he took my position on the football team. I hate how cocky he is. I hate how he kicked my ass. I hate … him.

Tears are welling up in my eyes. I swipe at them with the back of my hand and I can feel a sore spot on my cheekbone, again.

_I've cried too much already. Get a grip, Stan._

But how can I when I just keep falling?

----------------------------------

Getting home felt good. I had grown sick of the sickroom, ironically enough. Mom had covered me in kisses, pushing my hair back with her hand and holding me as if someone was trying to yank me away from her. The Nurse must've told her that I hadn't been fighting back.

"My poor Stanley! Are you okay, Sweetie?"

I wipe the lipstick mark off my face with my hand. "I'm fine, Mom."

I say it because it's what she wants to hear. I'm not really fine.

She sighs with relief, her arm wrapped tightly around my shoulder. "Thanks for staying with him. The roads were horrible! I really do appreciate it."

The Nurse smiles and waves goodbye to me as if I were six years old. I ignore her and can only think of giving her the finger for treating me like I was a child. Mom would freak, though.

The drive home is filled with silence; the good kind. Mom's coolhand is rested on mine and I actually let her leave it there. I wanted to feel loved more than anything else in the world right now.

"So, Sheila tells me that Kyle is getting better each day. She also said that he talks about you quite a bit and how you helped him out of it."

I look over surprised.

"Helped him?"

"Mhmmm. Isn't that nice? For him to pay all that thanks to you? I'm glad he's getting better."

"Yeah, me too, Mom." I suddenly feel affectionate towards my Mom. I mean, I always do, but I want to tell her I love her.

"Mom?"

She looks at me from the corner of her, watching the icy roads at the same time.

"Yes, Sweetie?"

"I love you. Thanks for being there for me through all this. It-it means a lot to me."

She smiles and I swear I can see a window of tears covering her eyes.

"I love you too, Stanley. I just want you to be happy."

I rest my head against her shoulder for the rest of the ride home, pretending I'm eight again.

Mom makes me a sandwich as soon as we get in, and sits me on the couch with an old bluewool blanket and the remote. I love how Moms fuss over you when you have a bad day.

Nothing's on and it annoys me. I need a distraction. Anything. I can hear someone coming down the stairs and I think it's Dad or Mom before I see Shelley's scowling face appear around the corner.

"Uh, hey, Shelley. Want to watch T.V. with me?" Mom had told me to be extra nice to her. Afterall, she needed the support.

"No, turd. I want to watch T.V. alone. Beat it."

She hadn't changed since we were younger. She had gotten her dental appliances off and the result was a beautiful smile, but she still acted like she would kill me if she ever got the chance. Even though I was now taller than her by about 3 inches, she would still hurt me in anyway she found suitable. I would never fight back though. I could never hit a girl, much less, my own sister.

Now, I suddenly wondered why Shelley didn't pretend to be nice to me. She knew damn well what had been happening in my life. She didn't give a shit.

"I'm not leaving. You can either sit down and watch T.V. with me or you're out of luck." I stubbornly crossed my arms and focused back on the T.V.

"Turd, get the fuck out of here." She warned.

"I am NOT moving."

She charged up to me, ripping the remote out of my hands. She smashed it across my face and that's when I lost it.

"FUCK, SHELLEY. What the HELL is wrong with you?! Do you not see that I already have another FUCKING BLACK EYE?!! I don't need this shit from you! Just …" My voice broke.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I ran from the room and out the front door, tears blurring my vision, leaving my stunned sister staring at me.

I knew exactly who I wanted to talk to.

-------------------------------------

I knew it was close to 11pm and I knew Kyle would be sleeping, but I still chucked tiny rocks at his bedroom window.

_Come on, Kyle. Come to your window, goddamnit._

It was a few more rocks before the window squeaked open and Kyle poked his sleepy face out. He looks annoyed but his irritation disappears when he sees me, eyes red, shuddering and trying unsuccessfullyto keep from crying.

"Stan? Dude, what's wrong? What are you doing here?"

I tried to speak but I only broke down more. He held a finger up.

"One minute, kay? I'll be right down to let you in."

I nod and hug myself, trying to keep warm. In my hurry, I had forgotten my coat.

Seconds later, the door unlocks quietly and it opens. I see Kyle in his sleeping attire consisting of plaidboxers and a white t-shirt and he motions for me to come in.

He takes me up to his bedroom, closing the door softly behind him so he doesn't wake his parents up.

I sit down on his bed, the sheets thrown about. It still feels warm from his sleeping body. He leans against the door as if trying to keep someone out.

"I just … needed someone to talk to."

He nods and comes and sits down next to me, his hand rubbing my back in a gentle circular motion. It feels so nice that I want to hang onto him and tell him all my troubles.

"Start talking anytime you're ready, Stan."

I choke down a few more tears and finally begin.

"Shelley and I got into a fight. S-she hit me across the face with the remote … it was the same place where Eli punched me. I just can't take all this anymore. Everything's so fucked up. Eli's still after me. Shelley treats me like a piece of shit … and maybe I am, Kyle. I feel like nobody cares anymore. No one gives a shit about anyone. Not about me, especially."

I know I was whining and expressing self-pity but I _need _someone to listen.

"Stan, that's not true. I can't speak for anybody else, but I care. You're my best friend and I love you."

I know he means it as in a life-long friend sort of way, but I still pretend that he's finally expressing the same kind of love I had felt for him for so long.

I let out another sob and Kyle wraps me in a hug.

I cry into his shoulder, soaking his nightshirt. He rocks me back and forth as if I were an infant. His shirt smells like laundry detergent and it's soft and thin from being washed so many times. I try to push the fact out of my mind that I can feel each rib through his shirt. I can smell his hair and I can't even express how good it feels.

"Kyle?"

He pulls away, his face inches from mine.

"Yeah, Stan?"

"I … I …" I can't find the words I'm searching for but my absurd stuttering stops instantaneously when he pushes his lips onto mine.

It was what I had dreamed about for months. I felt the fireworks, the crashing waves and I felt like my insides were being sucked out.

We stayed wrapped in that kiss for a long time. Wrapped in eternity. And for the first time in months, I feel loved.

---------------------------------

Yay! So cute!! I love them! I made the title of this chapter Spanish because I didn't want to give it all away. It means 'First Kiss'. Please review and I may or may not be able to write the last two chapters until Monday. I'm going to my dad's house tonight and our computer there is totally fucked … we're getting it fixed and I'm praying that it'll be tonight that we pick it up. Hugs and Kisses!


	12. The Monument of the Heart

Hey! That was the LONGEST I've ever gone without posting a chapter. My dad REFUSED to pick up the computer this weekend. Plus, I had to study for Part A of my English final I had today. It was hard!! My mind was not in the right place today to be doing an essay. It just about killed me (tear). Aw well, it's all good now. School's over for the day and I have been looking forward to being able to write this bad boy. However, forgive me for any mistakes that may be made. I am balancing my Spanish homework while doing all this. Haha. This will be the second last chapter and a very long one, so I'm doing my best to wrap this all up so you're all satisfied. Keep reviewing!

_"You ruin everything and you kept fucking with me." – Limp Bizkit_

The Monument of the Heart

-Stan's POV-

Over the next week, Kyle and I had agreed that we wouldn't let things get weird. Don't most people do that when a kiss as passionate as that one had gotten do that? We could've carved it in stone. It wouldn't have made a difference. When do things never get weird? Fuck.

_It had gotten weird._

In the hall, our hellos were awkward and short, often filled with an uncomfortable silence. At lunch, Kyle hung out more with Madison than he usually did, leaving Cartman, Kenny, and I to our own devices. I hated how he shot me looks in class. His favorite was confusion. I hated to see it. I hated Madison. I hated myself.

I wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Why doesn't the Jew hang out with us at lunch?" Cartman asked, his mouth full of bread and some kind of sandwich meat.

Kenny peered curiously at me for the answer too, but I was pretty sure he knew it. Kenny knew everything about me, it seemed. It bothered me. I didn't like when people pried into my soul, trying to figure things out that even I didn't know.

I shrugged and shuffled my fork through my macaroni.

"Beats me."

Cartman shrugs and continues eating but Kenny's eyes were still fixated on me. They were burning a hole through my very mind. My soul. I didn't like what I knew he could see. What right did he have to focus on my private life?

-Flashback-

I pulled away from Kyle after a few seconds that seemed like an eternity. I could still taste him on my lips.

It was all I ever wanted. More than anything in the whole world. More than world peace. More than world hunger to be solved. Just that kiss. It was my one fantasy. Now what did I have to

As badly as I wanted it, I could've been selfish and taken Kyle all to myself. But it wasn't me. I knew Kyle didn't want this. He was as emotional as I was.

"Kyle, I'm sorry."

He smiles and wipes my tears away with his thumb.

"What for?"

Why doesn't he see the problem in this? Why didn't I see it until now?

"I'm sorry I put all this on you. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I mean it. I just was dying for someone to listen."

He looks at me confused, and he cocks his head slightly.

"Stan, I kissed you."

"I know, Dude. But, we can't let things get weird. No matter what. We have to try to keep this as casual as possible. I think I had better be getting back home." I was rambling on and I felt awkward.

I wanted that kiss so badly but now that it had happened, I knew everything would change. What was I thinking? I shouldn't have bothered him.

Kyle nods; looking slightly puzzled and a bit hurt. I wish he didn't look at me like that.

"O-okay, Stan. It's up to you."

We both decide it's best I go through the window, climb down the ivy, and jump the last few feet. It's better than risking waking his parents.

I run home, the wind burning my eyes.

Kyle didn't push me away. I pushed him away.

-End of Flashback-

"Hey, Dudes. I need to go get some extra help from the teacher. I'll catch ya later."

Kenny ignores me but Cartman waves as I get up, grabbing my books and ditching my lunch tray. I know Kenny is mad at me. Mad for not telling him what was going on. I had been lying for months. I didn't care. It was no one's damn business what had been going on.

In the past few months, I had fallen behind in almost every subject. It was my own fault. Spending all that time at the hospital hadn't been good for me. Mom had told me that how many times now? The times I didn't spend at the hospital were spent thinking of Kyle. Simply staring off into space. _I wonder what Kyle's doing. I wonder if he's sleeping. I wonder if he's wondering about me. I wonder …_

The hall is mostly empty except for a few cliques that don't eat in the cafeteria. It's quiet except for the occasional ringing of laughter. Most people hate silence where it's so quiet you can hear your heart beating. Not me though. I needed the peace. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

_Why had I brushed off Kyle?_

Sighing, I turn the corner and-

**SMASH!**

Books and papers and a person are scattered about. How many times had I bumped into people this year?

"Holy crap. I'm sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. Here, I'll help you pick up your stuff."

I pick up an English Honors poetry book and when I look up I find that I'm staring into the heavily made up blue eyes of Madison, but I'm more focused on Kyle's hand on her arm, helping her up.

"That's alright, Stanley. Thanks." She purrs.

_Right in front of Kyle? Sweet Jesus._

_Kyle doesn't notice though._

His lips are set in a thin line and the look on his face is strained.

"Are you okay, Dude?" Kyle's voice softens hers.

I nod, my face turning red. Why did we have to kiss?

He turns away from me, looking down at his sneakers, Madison winking behind his back. I wonder what she would say if she knew what we had done. I'd love just to see the look on her stupid whorey face.

"Good. Hey, you still on for this tonight? Cartman and Kenny are coming."

"Huh?"

Kyle raises an eyebrow. "Don't you remember?"

How could I have forgotten? Before all this had happened we had plans to hang out. It was Friday today. I nod, a little too anxiously. Why is he still inviting me?

"Yeah, of course, Dude. I'll be there."

He grins slightly, shuffling his feet and digging his toe into the ground.

"Okay, well. See you then."

I nod and watch as the love of my life walks away … hand in hand with Madison.

_You let him do this, Stan. You were the one who let it get weird._

I sigh, shaking a few pieces of black hair out of my eyes and continue my way down the hall.

-------------------------------------------------

It was the dark outside by the time I reached Kyle's, even though it was only 6pm. The streetlights were flicking on and spotlighting my steps. I watched my shadow as it walked beside me. The only thing that was beside me through this whole ordeal.

_Great. I've become a troubled teen with a whole shitload of angst._

I can see the moon in the sky from a perfect view, standing on Kyle's porch. It shines down on South Park and is so beautiful and pure that it almost brings tears to my eyes. Why couldn't the rest of the world be like that?

I ring the doorbell and hear footsteps racing to the door. It swings open and Kyle's little brother Ike stands there, shyly.

"Hey, Ike."

He smiles and hides a bit behind the door. I almost can't hear him when he tells me that Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are in the den.

I had always liked Ike. As shy as he was, he had always been a nice kid. Well-mannered and untouched by the evil of this world. Kyle's Mom had always kept her boys sheltered. Didn't she think of how they were planning on making it in the world when they moved out?

I could smell popcorn and the stinky socks of youthful feet. Kyle was sprawled out on the floor, stomach on the ground, legs in the air, wildly clicking away at the game controller. Kenny was watching on the couch and turned away as soon as I entered. Cartman paused for a moment from the game and gave me the middle finger, one of his many favorite greetings. I returned it and grinned.

"Hey, Marsh."

"Hey, who's winning?"

Kyle laughs out loud and points an accusing finger at Cartman. "Fatass thinks he's winning but I'm really beating his ass to the ground."

It seems that he has momentarily forgotten that things were still weird.

"Aye! Watch it, Jew!"

My heart soars just to see him smile like that. I gave it all up just because I know he'd never be happy.

Kyle clears away some magazines and bits and pieces of popcorn so I can sit down.

For the next two hours, it's just us four, taking turns on the game sphere, just like old times.

_Just like old times._

Kenny stretches out luxuriously on the couch, yawning wide like a cat. He bends his toes, making them crack and I can see a hole in the big toe of his sock.

Cartman scratches his armpit and boosts himself off the carpet where he had been separating Kyle and I.

"Guys, let's break. I need to whiz. Hey, Jew, don't you have anymore food?"

Kyle glares at him but his look on content returns shortly after. "Yeah. I'll go get some. Stan, why don't you come help me?"

I look at him, a little surprised. Why had he asked me? Why not Kenny? Maybe he wanted to keep any suspicions from occurring. I didn't want to be alone with him again. I was afraid of what might happen. I couldn't forget about what happened last time we were only together. Whatever the reason, I got up and followed him into the kitchen.

He pushed the swinging wooden doors of his kitchen open and went in first. I passively followed, afraid of what was to come. I had always been slightly taller than Kyle and I can see how his red hair falls into tiny frizzy ringlets. I remember how he held me close and I could smell it.

He shuts the kitchen door behind me and leans against it, arms crossed.

"Stan. Things got weird. I'm not quite sure why you're avoiding me but I think maybe it is for the better. We haven't had a normal conversation since that whole thing happened. I don't know why I did it but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for forcing myself on you like that, especially when you were vulnerable. It was all a mistake."

His words stung me and opened my healing wounds. He made it sound like he had pushed away that night. I was the one, Kyle! Me! I was the one who decided it was best for both of us. You didn't have to break my heart like this.

My anger took over me. Mom had always told me not to make decisions when I'm angry. I just end up regretting it afterwards.

"A mistake? Thanks a whole fucking lot. So I suppose our whole friendship was a mistake too! I was the one who stopped it. I know it isn't what you wanted.I guess everything was fake. The whole fucking time. It was all a sham. I'm sorry I ever wasted your time. I'm sorry I almost dropped out of highschool because I was so busy visiting you in the hospital, my so called 'best friend'!"

I knew I was yelling and by now, Cartman and Kenny had come in to see what all the yelling was about.

"What the hell are you guys fighting about?" Cartman butted in. My final nerve was racked.

Kyle looked shocked and I turned on my heel, stomping away from my problems for the second time that week.

The last thing I heard was, "Stan, it was what I wanted."

I didn't know where I was going as I ran down the empty streets. My footsteps pounded on the pavement and my head ached with each moment. I was trying to block out my name. Kyle was running after me, screaming my name, and causing porch lights to flick on from motion detectors or from angry neighbors.

"STAN! STOP!"

_No, Kyle. Not this time. You won't be able to mend my heart. Just leave me be._

I crossed the bridge, Kyle trailing behind. All this running couldn't be good for him. His heart was still weak. I had to lose him. I needed him to stop running and trying to make it better.

I ducked behind a building, breathing hard. I watched as Kyle ran right by and suddenly realized that Cartman and Kenny were far behind him, but still doing their best to follow. Kenny was having troubles keeping up. Probably all the years of smoking were finally taking their toll on him. Cartman was falling behind because, well, he was a fatass.

I almost laughed out loud. I don't think I even realized how close I was to hysteria at the time.

"Well, if it isn't Marsh."

My heart jumped into my throat from shock and I whipped around. Four shadowed figures emerged from the darkness and the moon shed her light on their features.

Eli.

He was stumbling about and holding a partially empty whiskey bottle. All citizens of South Park drank whiskey. We didn't need any high-class alcohol for a trashy town. The three guys that were with him all seemed drunk too; laughing and shoving each other.

"You know, Stan. I'm getting really fucking sick of you. This time, we'll be finishing our business."

He was so corny. It was like he had practiced all his lines from a script and this was one really badly thought out movie.

I wanted to call out for Cartman and Kenny. Even Kyle. But my voice seemed lodged in my throat. It wasn't that I was afraid. I just couldn't believe my luck. First I lose my best friend and now a run-in with the town asshole.

_What next, God? What next?_

Eli grabbed me, shoving me against the brick wall. My head throbbed from the impact. I could feel his breath on my face and it reeked so heavily of liquor, I turned away.

"Stan!! Stan! Eli! Let go of him, asswipe."

Eli's grip on me broke and I fall to the ground. I can taste the metallic lingering of blood in my mouth and through my half open eyes; I can see Kyle and Cartman standing a few feet away. I wonder vaguely where Kenny is.

"What the fuck are you two doing here? This isn't any of your fucking business so just fuck off."

_He's taken all the fun out of the word 'fuck'._

"You stupid douche, Eli. Let Stan go. He hasn't done anything to you, you son of a bitch."

Cartman says this and I almost smile. I can't remember the last time Cartman stuck up for me. I thought he'd be glad to see me get my ass kicked.

Eli stepped threateningly up to Cartman. He was at least a whole 3 inches taller.

"Say it again, Cartman. I dare you."

One thing to know about Cartman; he _never_ knows when enough is enough.

"Come on, Pussy. God, you're such a fag, kid."

"You're going to pay, Fatass."

Eli lunged for Cartman, shoving him down and throwing the first punch. Cartman, although bigger than Eli, was in no physical condition to beat him in a fistfight.

The three other kids just stood there, cheering on Eli. I wondered why people got such an adrenaline rush from fights.

Kyle rushed over to me. He helped me up and I felt that same shoot of electricity throughout my body.

"Stan, I'm sorry. This is my entire fault. Are you okay?"

I shook my head, still bitter towards him. His words would always have their place as a scar on my bruised heart.

Cartman was really taking a beating and I suppose that's when Kyle realized, for he raced over, kicking Eli in the side and trying to pull him off Cartman.

"Hey, Kid! Stop interfering. Your fatass friend deserves this!"

Kyle ignored him, still pulling at Eli, swearing under his breath.

"Hey! I told you to stop. Fuck off!" The kid waddled over, withdrawing an object from his pocket.

Even if I wanted to, I will never ever forget that very moment in my life. The moment when the world stopped.

A clap erupted through the air, which I recognized as a gunshot. Kyle's body flew back slightly from the impact and he fell to the ground and onto his side.

Cartman and Eli stopped dead as the sound exploded through the night.

The kid who had fired stood there in stunned silence. I could see his eyes, wide open with shock. The gun dangled from his fingers for a moment before he dropped it to the ground.

"You fucking **_shot_** him?!" Eli seemed angry as he jumped up from where he had been lying.

"I …I … didn't mean to."

"Fuck! Let's get the hell out of here!"

Eli ran from the alley, dragging his buddies behind him. The gun lay on the ground, cold and smoking from the shot.

Cartman scrambled up and slid down to Kyle's side.

"Kyle? Kyle? Hey, can you hear me? Are you alright?" It was a rare occasion where Cartman called Kyle by his real name, but when it happened, you knew something was very wrong.

"Stan! I don't think he's breathing! Come on, Kyle. Wake up!" The fear is evident in Cartman's voice and I thought I saw a tear slide down his worried face.

I drop down to Kyle's side too. Blood is seeping through the wound that has made its place in his left side. His eyes were half open and all color has left his face. His mouth is set in a grim line and I know he's dead.

I break down, sobbing and reaching for his hand. It feels so cold. I brush it along my cheek, hold it against my hair, and kiss it lightly. I let my fingers trail along his cheekbone, down his temple, across his lips.

A hand gently grabs my shoulder and squeezes. I looked up at Kenny through teary eyes. He kneels down between Cartman and I.

"Oh, Kenny …"

"Shhhh, it's okay. Don't look at him, Stan."

Kenny puts his arms around me and wraps me in a hug. I bury my nose in his shoulder and see Cartman over it. He's hunched over, sobbing quietly into his hand, refusing to believe what he was seeing. I reach over to him and he takes my hand. Kenny pulls him into the hug and we all huddle together at Kyle's side, crying into the night.


	13. Making Angels Cry

All right all right, guys, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I know it's cliché. I'm aware that he dies in a lot of stories but, as I have mentioned, I have had this entire story planned out from the very beginning. It's just the way it goes. Anyhoo, here is the final, yes final, chapter. It's just your basic tying up of loose ends. Also, there's going to be some weird literary devices in this. I'm sorry if this story didn't go the way you all wanted it to, but it turned out exactly the way I wanted it to. Haha. So, once again, I apologize. Plus, I want to thank all of you who took the time to review. Particularly my myspace buddy Leela! You've given me such great feedback and really paid attention to the little details in my story! Thanks, girl! It meant so much to me and I'm glad you enjoyed my story so much. For those of you who are sad to see this one end, you'll be happy to know that a new creation (South Park) is on its way! I hope you all continue reading my stuff and I love you all! Thanks for making such a fun experience for me! Hugs and Kisses!

Making Angels Cry

-Stan's POV-

The day of Kyle's funeral was sunny and bright. The snow had begun to melt and it dripped off the plants and trees as precise as a children's nursery rhyme. It irked my mood, but I found the irony refreshing. His days on this Earth were mostly cold and snowy. As soon as he's gone, you could almost call it Spring. But everybody in South Park knew that here, there was no such thing as Spring.

I wasn't going to the service though.

"Stanley, are you sure you won't go? I know it hurts but maybe it'll make you feel a little better … it's a beautiful day and the fresh air couldn't hurt you." Mom asked me, trying to convince me for the tenth time that day.

I was still in my boxers and a _Cows_ t-shirt, sitting in front of the T.V. not really watching anything, just trying to distract myself and put off the truth for a little bit longer. I knew Mom was getting worried about me. She was hopping about, putting her earrings in and getting Shelley and Dad ready to go, all the time, watching me with worried eyes. I knew she was only going to support Kyle's parents.

"I'm sure, Mom. I'm just going to stay here."

Truth be told, I wasn't ready to face Kyle. I couldn't go to his funeral. I couldn't see people crying and hurting. I couldn't go and pretend that I was his faithful, loyal best friend who was by his side the whole time. I felt anything but loyal. I would never forget my final words to him:

_My so called best friend._

Nobody would ever understand the hurt I felt. Nobody knew what it was like to watch your best friend die in a dark alley, trying to save another friend. And it was my entire fault. If I hadn't ran out, all this never would've happened. I had gained and lost the love of my life, all in one week. I had never felt more alone with my conscience. It was amazing how things turned out in the end.

_But why Kyle?_

He never did anything but care for people. He was the sweetest guy I knew and to know that I was the reason he died and I was alone in this fucking world without him, it was, well, hard. Hard to accept the fact that he was really gone. I knew I would have to move on eventually, but I also knew that I would never be quite the same again.

Eli was to complete six months of community service for having ownership of the gun, the other two guys were also set off with light punishments, and as for the asshole that shot Kyle, he was sentenced to four years in Juvenile Hall. The punishment didn't seem harsh enough. He had done more than kill Kyle. He had killed a part of me that I'd never get back.

Mom sat down beside me on the couch and wrapped me in a hug.

"Stanley, we're leaving now. I'm really sorry about Kyle. Do you want me to tell his parents anything for you?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat that was threatening to rise. "Tell them … that I'm really sorry."

She nodded and kissed me gently on the cheek. She got up, digging her car keys out of her purse at the same time.

"Randy! Shelley! We're going. Come on!"

Dad came bounding down the stairs, straightening his tie and Shelley followed behind. As they passed, Dad ruffled my hair and gave me a wink. I forced a small smile and turned back to the T.V.

To my surprise, Shelley came over, sitting down beside me. I could see Mom and Dad watching from the door but Mom nudged him lightly in the stomach and they went outside to start the car.

"Hey, Stan. Um, I'm really sorry about Kyle. He was a nice kid." She said, her voice so low, I could barely hear her.

I was still angry with her. I partly blamed Kyle's death on her. If she hadn't hit me, I would've never gone to Kyle and we never would've kissed. I wasn't afraid to admit she was a lousy sister.

"How much did Mom and Dad pay you to say that?" I asked rudely, not even looking at her.

"Look, Stan. They didn't pay me. I'm just sorry." I could hear a tremor in her voice and it sounded like she was going to cry. Maybe she really did feel bad for all that happened.

"Thanks, Shelley." I didn't know what else to say to her.

She choked up a little and pulled me against her, and for the first time ever, I hugged my own sister. She retreated after a few seconds, giving me a shy smile. Then she reached up and messed my hair slightly, the way Dad did.

"You're a good kid, Turd."

I couldn't help but smile. So this is what it felt like to have a sibling's love. It felt kind of nice.

"Shelley! Come on! We're going to be late!" Mom's voice carries from outside.

She pats me on the knee and walks out of the room. I can hear the door shut behind her and the car drive away down the street.

I'm restless and tired. I hadn't slept well since that night. It happened five days ago and my case of insomnia seemed like it would last forever.

Sighing, I flick off the T.V. and get off the couch. The house is quiet and I can see sunlight pouring in through the window shades, trying to catch my attention. I ignore it and walk over to the fridge.

A picture of Kyle and I stares back at me. It was from last summer. I'm sitting on the fence in our backyard and Kyle's leaning carelessly against it, hands in his pockets. I'm grinning like an idiot and he's looking at me, laughing. It was one of the few pictures where I didn't have a hat on. I needed a haircut.

It brings fresh tears to my eyes and I have to turn away. I lean against the fridge door, closing my eyes, preventing the tears from telling me the truth. He really is gone.

The phone rings, startling me out of my thoughts.

_Let it ring._

I didn't need or want to talk to anybody. I was afraid of how real it may seem then.

The shrill ring clatters my mind for a few moments until finally the answering machine clicks on.

'Hello, you've reached the Marshes. We can't come to the phone right now but …' 

"Hey, Stan. Um, it's Wendy. I just wanted to see how you were doing …"

I listen curiously and wait as she pauses.

" … I'm so sorry about Kyle. He didn't deserve that." She takes a deep wavering breath and continues.

"I don't know how you're dealing with this, but I just want you to know that I'm always here if you need to talk. Take care, Stan. Umm, bye."

The machine clicks off and I delete the message. I know she'll be at the funeral.

I suddenly wonder if Madison is going. I wonder how she's taking it. And then I feel horrible because I realize how happy I am. If I can't have Kyle, no one can. The only interest Madison and I ever shared and it had to be her boyfriend.

I trudge up the stairs and into my room, dropping onto the bed. I let sleep take me into her grasp and my dreams are filled with sweet images of darkness.

-------------------------------------

The next few days are calm and peaceful. Everyone seems to have no trouble getting back into normal routine. Mom is careful to make sure that Kyle is not mentioned to me and I appreciate it. She's babying me but for once, I like it. I like the feeling that I don't need to watch out for myself. I felt that I betrayed him by not going to the funeral but I just couldn't do it.

Kenny and Cartman had come by to visit twice. Cartman was unusually quiet and didn't start any fights. It was hard to believe he actually cared. Kenny was his normal self; giving us some much needed sympathy. I was glad to have them both. I had never appreciated their friendship so much. Kenny was curious as to why I didn't come to the funeral but when I explained, he nodded understandingly.

It's a few weeks after the funeral when I get a call from Kyle's Mom.

"Hello, Stanley. It's Kyle's Mother."

"Oh, um, Hi. H-how are you?"

There's a pause on the other line and I can hear her breathing steadily. I wonder if she's thinking about Kyle.

"I'm okay, dear. How are you?"

Horrible. _Suicidal_. Heartbroken. But I respond, "I'm fine."

"That's nice to hear. Listen, since Kyle obviously wasn't quite old enough to be thinking about leaving a will and considering you were his best friend, I think it's only right that you come over and take what you want of his. If you want, I mean. I'm sure he would've wanted you to take some of his things, anyway."

I nod and forget that she can't see me.

"Uh, sure. That'd be good. When should I come over?"

"Anytime today if you'd like. We'll be here all day. Or anytime next week. Whatever's good for you, dear."

I get the details, thank her and hang up. How am I ever going to get the courage to go into his room? We shared the kiss in there. I can't do it. But I have to.

_I let you down so many times, Kyle. But I won't today._

_--------------------------------------_

Walking down Kyle's street later that night, I am filled with a familiar longing. The sun is just beginning to set and I can see a few stars starting to take their place in the colored sky. I can see a sliver of the moon shining down on South Park.

For a minute, I feel like I am in a desert. A hot, dry desert all by myself. No one is around and I'm alone with the sand, making sweet talk with the setting sun. The wind is howling its dry, raspy breath and I can feel it comb through my tangled hair. The air is hot and it weighs me down with comforting warmth.

Back in South Park, I'm at Kyle's door. It's the same as it always has been. The house is relatively big but nothing special. Yet, it feels different to me. It feels like I shouldn't be here. I'm the reason Sheila lost her precious boy. I'm the reason Gerald lost his son. I'm the reason Ike lost his big brother. Still, I ring the doorbell.

"Stanley! So nice to see you!" Mrs. Broflovski welcomes me in, giving me a quick hug.

I manage a smile and try to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is my constant reminder of Kyle.

"Do you want anything to eat? Drink? Nothing?" I shake my head to all these.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Broflovski. I've got to be home for dinner soon, anyways. But thank you." She smiles fondly at me.

"It's no problem at all, dear. Come upstairs and I'll leave you to get what you want."

The house gives off the feeling that everything is all better. There is no more hurt here. Everything's peachy. I get the feeling, though, that the Broflovski family wants everything to be okay so badly that they're willing to lie to the outside world.

Ike's playing video games and more or less ignores me as I walk by. Mr. Broflovski is reading the newspaper at the kitchen table and offers me a small smile before turning back to it.

I follow her and as we get closer to Kyle's room, I feel my heart begin to sink. I can't go through his room. I can't take his things. What was I ever thinking?

"Well, here you go, Stanley. I'll be downstairs if you need me."

I thank her and wait until she's gone before I look at the room before me.

Kyle's room was always neat and tidy and I see it in a grayish setting, as the sunset pours in through the window. Posters are plastered all over the wall. I see a stack of CD's overlapping each other on the floor beside his desk. The computer screen is blank and there's a few car magazines tossed carelessly beside it.

I smile as I think about Kyle. He always was the one to break a typical teenager stereotype. No messy room for him.

I sit down in his desk chair and spin around in it, absentmindedly. Where can I start? What do I take? I feel intrusive.

I see his bookshelf against the wall on the other side of the room. It's filled with various books and novels. I can see Kyle's collection of Shakespeare and can't help but smirk. As cool as Kyle was, he had always been a nerd. I begin shifting through the books and pull out a paperback novel. There's some muscle bound guy on the front, cradling a maiden in his arms.

_A Romance novel?_

Since when did Kyle read Romances? I almost laugh as I begin to shove it back into the shelf. A piece of paper flutters out of some of the pages and floats safely to the ground. It must have been a bookmark.

Picking it up, I see that it has writing on it. I analyze it as Kyle's handwriting. It looks to have been written in a hurry and I can't help but find myself reading it.

_I suppose it's stupid to be writing this, but I don't know who else I can confide to. I know Cartman would have so much fun ragging on me if he ever found this out, which is why I will be hiding it in a Romance novel where nobody will ever look. Stan and I kissed tonight. Well, I kissed him. I've been wanting to do it for so long. He pulled back and left in a hurry. I think I scared him off. I didn't mean to. Lately, I've been looking at him differently. Not only as my best friend, but also as something more. Out of all the people, he's stuck by my side the most throughout these years. He waited on me hand and foot while I was in the hospital and I know he'd never admit it, but he's failing some of his classes in order to spend time with me. I don't want him to fail but I don't know if I will ever be able to thank him enough. I told him I loved him tonight. I hope he knows just how much I care for him. He's made such a difference in my life and I hope that him and I will be friends forever. Even if I'm with Madison, Stan will always be the one I save first place for. I wonder if this means I'm gay. But what does it really matter what sex you take interest in as long as it's true to your heart?_

My heart's pounding and I watch as ink smudges down in streaks on the paper as tears fall from me. He loved me. He _loved _me. He noticed what I did for him. I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm so sorry.

I quickly fold the paper and pocket it, wiping my eyes on my sleeve. I have all the things I could ever want from Kyle Broflovski resting in my pocket. I get up from where I had been sitting on the floor and leave the room. I walk past Ike's room and see Mr. Broflovski cradling him in his arms and letting the small boy sob in his arms, while resting his head on Ike's and letting the tears come. I continue down the hall and see Mrs. Broflovski staring out the window in her bedroom, arms wrapped around herself, and I swear I can see her crying.

_Maybe I'm not the only one who isn't okay._

I open the door and a warm wind greets me. My desert is my welcome mat.

Walking down the street, the moon gives me guidance and I say to myself, "Maybe we'll be okay, after all. Maybe **_I'll_** be okay."

And up there, beyond the stars, above the moon, into the depth of eternity, I know Kyle's listening.

-End-


	14. Author's Afterthought

Well, this is going to probably become a ritual for me after each story I write. This is kind of like the author's view on the story; the troubles I ran into, inspirational facts and so on. So here we go!

_Into the sweetly twisted mind of Doogy A.K.A. Jessica_

**Inspiration:**

Well, I am so proud to have written this. The idea for this story popped into my head one night back in December as I was cleaning my room and clearing negative energy from the past year. I noticed how normal it seemed to be cleaning a room. Something that pretty much every teenager does. I also noticed my South Park DVD lying on the floor amongst some various magazines and CDs. Now, Stan has always been one of my favorite characters. I like him because he's funny and sane. I go on everyday and read SP stories. So, as I am eyeing the DVD and piling crap into my closet, I get a wonderfully devious idea; I'd like to dwell further into Stan's mind with my own creative writing.

You know how you have your Math/Science kids and then you've got your English/Social kids? Well, I've always been particularly strong in English. So, I eventually get my cleaning chore done, find a notebook and begin to write down my ideas, forming my plot, throwing in a few "creative" problems, and voila! I've got my story. I write the very first chapter the next day.

Now, as far as music goes, I listen to it all the time. Whether I'm doing homework, studying, or writing, it's always my background sound. As I wrote this story, my playlist consisted of mostly Evanescence (just because their music is oh-so-dramatic and angsty), Alanis Morsette (just for some normality to it all), and some different pieces by Thomas Newman (he's king, what can I say?).

I kept my eyes peeled in school and outside my home for inspiration. I watched some little fights between my friends occur in order to create the same kind of friction between Stan and Kyle. I studied my image in the mirror and figured out what I looked at most, which was either my eyes or my hair.

I found I wrote my best chapters when I was upset or having a bad day. It just adds on somehow.

**Problems:**

Well, we all run into writer's block. It sucks big time. I hated it. I'd literally sit down and force myself to write and all that would happen in the end is I would delete all that I had written because I simply was not satisfied. So, from my experience, my biggest suggestion for overcoming writer's block is to shut your computer off, sleep and see how you feel the next day. Keep doing it until you feel some inspiration. Do NOT force yourself to write. It just causes frustration.

Alrighty, I did quite a bit of research on bulimia and for the most part, I think it turned out quite well. But, I got a review for the last chapter from E2K that made me think twice. I didn't even think about researching the Jewish beliefs of death and burial. So, I apologize for that. I wanted this story to seem as realistic as possible and I goofed up on that one. Thank you, E2K, for bringing that to my attention! I'll know better for next time.

Another problem was my schoolwork. I know, I know. Schoolwork _should _come first, but to me, as far as writing goes, schoolwork is my last resort. I'm so bad, Haha. I was trying so hard to find the time to write and balance my schoolwork at the same time. I'm also mentioning that my newest story will probably be started next Friday because my last exam is on Thursday. It'll burrow into Kyle's mind and I think you will all come to like it. So, stay tuned for that one!

**Favorites:**

I LOVED getting reviews. As soon as I posted my first chapter, I was suddenly filled with worry about the feedback I'd get. I was so afraid of what people would think of it. However, this all changed when I got my first six reviews. They were all great and I was so happy! I love all my fans and I hope you all continue reading my stuff. You made this story happen and you all deserve chocolate … which I would provide if I had the money to right now … Haha.

My favorite chapters I wrote were _Bese Primero _and _Making Angels Cry._ I absolutely could NOT wait to write about Stan and Kyle's kiss. I suppose it got really fluffy and cutesy but I don't care!! I was so pleased with the end result; I celebrated with a can of coca cola. The last chapter was also my favorite because I love stories and movies that end on a note like that. They don't go onto future details. They leave you hanging there, allowing you to decide what happens next. I've always wanted to end a story like that.

Well, I'm going to stop rambling on now. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and stay tuned for my next story! Hugs and Kisses. You all make my writing worth doing.

-Jessica


End file.
